So, my last 100 Day Challenge ended about a week and a half ago or so. I accomplished much, if not all of my goals. I noticed that I dealt with minor hiccups very well. Working late, change of schedule, even trips did not phase me. When something big happened, though, it derailed me completely. When Mark was gone, I lost focus so completely. I guess I don't deal with grief and my own depression so well. I am hoping I can begin anew, but I feel like I am starting over in so many ways. So what goals do I pick without sounding repetitive?
1. Work out enough to be able to run comfortably for my predetermined goal of X miles.
2. Develop outline for my novel. Now that I have a solid grasp for where it is going, I think an outline is in order.
3. Research and determine which jobs would be feasible for me to do with my current degree, then start applying, of course! Also research freelancing opportunities.
4. Go through clothes and other stuff and give to Goodwill what I don't need.
ok I think that is good. I reserve the right to change or alter them as I go. I am tired out so to bed I go. More tomorrow!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Winter
I think it is finally winter. In TRUE Northwestern fashion the snow fell today in wet lumps which immediately dissolved into puddles on the ground. I am pensive of late. Not exactly sad but not exactly happy. I feel so contradictory! I finished my 100 day challenge and succeeded and failed at once. I will start anew on Sunday. I have no idea what my goals are yet, which is why I will not be starting tomorrow. I keep hoping I will be more perseverant about posting Vlogs and Blogs, but I'm resigned to a few here and there if that is what my sanity requires. Lately I feel like I have been doing well connecting to friends. Book club, my roommate, and many others are all connections that I made in my first 100 day challenge.
And yet sometimes I feel lonely. There is a part of me that really wishes for a boyfriend. It is strange to me because for so long I was so resistant to wanting a boyfriend. In high school I insisted that I wanted to "court" and not date. In college I insisted I was too independent. Yet here I am at 26, feeling like a 13 year old. Gosh, that was half my lifetime ago.
Today I read a book called "The Mermaid Chair." It is so beautiful! It leaves me feeling jealous that my words don't invoke the same kind of emotion as Sue Monk Kidd's. Maybe with practice. Lots of practice. And lots of editing. Anyhow, in the book there is the reccuring number of 17. Everything seems to happen on the 17th of different months. It always makes me think and boggle my own mind with number games of my life, what things happened when and the strange coincidences those numbers have with each other.
Ah well it is time for me to drift into dreamland -- hopefully where I will recover from whatever illness I am fighting. If anyone still reads this I hope you are doing beautifully today.
And yet sometimes I feel lonely. There is a part of me that really wishes for a boyfriend. It is strange to me because for so long I was so resistant to wanting a boyfriend. In high school I insisted that I wanted to "court" and not date. In college I insisted I was too independent. Yet here I am at 26, feeling like a 13 year old. Gosh, that was half my lifetime ago.
Today I read a book called "The Mermaid Chair." It is so beautiful! It leaves me feeling jealous that my words don't invoke the same kind of emotion as Sue Monk Kidd's. Maybe with practice. Lots of practice. And lots of editing. Anyhow, in the book there is the reccuring number of 17. Everything seems to happen on the 17th of different months. It always makes me think and boggle my own mind with number games of my life, what things happened when and the strange coincidences those numbers have with each other.
Ah well it is time for me to drift into dreamland -- hopefully where I will recover from whatever illness I am fighting. If anyone still reads this I hope you are doing beautifully today.
Friday, November 21, 2008
V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N
I love vacations. This one was kind of tiring though because of so much running around! It is also a little weird to go home and see old friends and family because it always makes me realize how much I've changed. I feel like I"m slowly finding out I'm nothing like the person I thought I was. and at this point in my life I'm a mess of contradictions. Confused and confident, tired and energized and of course the list goes on. I find myself more and more wanting to just sleep the days away. I have so many plans for each weekend for the next month or so that I think it will keep me from doing that. I also need to get back to my workout routine. It always gets messed up while on vacation.
I'm still looking for what I need to do when I grow up. Several of my friends from the Amarillo Globe News were laid off this week and another former co-worker formerly of the PDN was laid off a couple weeks ago. It is one more push that I need to get a different career. Newspapers are dying it seems. So much for my optimism.
Give me your opinions on this idea of me being a librarian. Are libraries going to suffer the same way newspapers are in the next few decades? Will I be in teh same situation in 10 years if I change to do that? does that job even suit me? Sometimes friends know better than you do.
Let me know!
I'm still looking for what I need to do when I grow up. Several of my friends from the Amarillo Globe News were laid off this week and another former co-worker formerly of the PDN was laid off a couple weeks ago. It is one more push that I need to get a different career. Newspapers are dying it seems. So much for my optimism.
Give me your opinions on this idea of me being a librarian. Are libraries going to suffer the same way newspapers are in the next few decades? Will I be in teh same situation in 10 years if I change to do that? does that job even suit me? Sometimes friends know better than you do.
Let me know!
Monday, October 13, 2008
devastation
Ah how all this life is so weird. Here I was going along worrying about my job and bills and the petty things that annoy me on a daily basis and one of my best friends from high school died today.
Mark -- or Higgy, as most people called him -- was one of the best guys I knew in high school. I was proud to call him my friend and hope he saw me as the same. Gentlemanly and kind I was always happy to be around him. Twice our lockers were next to each other. In senior English in Mrs. P's class I loved the days when we'd have group assignments because Mark and I would usually be in a group and sometimes David would come in from Art class. Those days have always been precious to me but now I really wish I could lock them in a box so I never forget. I wish my memory were less fragile.
(Thanks to Louie for the great picture taken at my sister's 17th birthday)
Most of all, though, I remember times at Stomping Grounds. Times just hanging out and talking about nothing. Times where we would all bear our souls. The time we had the church lock-in there and Mark taught me to play poker -- and I beat everyone including him. I remember the dozens and dozens of letters he wrote me in response to mine once he joined the military. The visits we had when he was on leave. And all of it is not enough. I had only talked to Mark off and on for the past couple of years. We kept up with each other through facebook and random IMs and once or twice a phone call.
And now? And now he is gone. I don't know any details of what happened or when the funeral services will be, it is surreal to be thinking of such things. Not Mark. Surely not.
A little part of me feels like the grief, the ache in my stomach and the tears that feel compelled to stream constantly from my eyes are selfish. What of those who losses were greater? His family and those he loved every day?
What will we do without Mark? The world spins and I'm left wondering all these questions which are so cliche. I often feel as if life is too short to live the way I do. Worrying and stressing about small things. And the loss of someone important devastates in a way that I can't explain. There is a third of me that wants to throw myself into my daily routine to forget, another third that wants to go to bed and not get out and the last wants to throw caution to the wind and go after what I want.
But then that would make this about me and that feels selfish too. But what else are you supposed to do when you lose someone dear to you? Someone who changed you in a million small ways, but probably never knew it? So I guess the only way to honor that person is to make sure to live your own life in the best way possible. To do the things that we all say we will but never actually do. It feels like an empty way to honor Mark. It is not enough. But it is all that I can do. Finances and my job will prevent me from going to the funeral, but I will likely spend my time writing about him. scanning my brain for memories. Do any of you know him? Miss him? Have a good memory?
Mark -- or Higgy, as most people called him -- was one of the best guys I knew in high school. I was proud to call him my friend and hope he saw me as the same. Gentlemanly and kind I was always happy to be around him. Twice our lockers were next to each other. In senior English in Mrs. P's class I loved the days when we'd have group assignments because Mark and I would usually be in a group and sometimes David would come in from Art class. Those days have always been precious to me but now I really wish I could lock them in a box so I never forget. I wish my memory were less fragile.
(Thanks to Louie for the great picture taken at my sister's 17th birthday)
Most of all, though, I remember times at Stomping Grounds. Times just hanging out and talking about nothing. Times where we would all bear our souls. The time we had the church lock-in there and Mark taught me to play poker -- and I beat everyone including him. I remember the dozens and dozens of letters he wrote me in response to mine once he joined the military. The visits we had when he was on leave. And all of it is not enough. I had only talked to Mark off and on for the past couple of years. We kept up with each other through facebook and random IMs and once or twice a phone call.
And now? And now he is gone. I don't know any details of what happened or when the funeral services will be, it is surreal to be thinking of such things. Not Mark. Surely not.
A little part of me feels like the grief, the ache in my stomach and the tears that feel compelled to stream constantly from my eyes are selfish. What of those who losses were greater? His family and those he loved every day?
What will we do without Mark? The world spins and I'm left wondering all these questions which are so cliche. I often feel as if life is too short to live the way I do. Worrying and stressing about small things. And the loss of someone important devastates in a way that I can't explain. There is a third of me that wants to throw myself into my daily routine to forget, another third that wants to go to bed and not get out and the last wants to throw caution to the wind and go after what I want.
But then that would make this about me and that feels selfish too. But what else are you supposed to do when you lose someone dear to you? Someone who changed you in a million small ways, but probably never knew it? So I guess the only way to honor that person is to make sure to live your own life in the best way possible. To do the things that we all say we will but never actually do. It feels like an empty way to honor Mark. It is not enough. But it is all that I can do. Finances and my job will prevent me from going to the funeral, but I will likely spend my time writing about him. scanning my brain for memories. Do any of you know him? Miss him? Have a good memory?
Friday, August 29, 2008
Miss me miss me....
hehe... I've been bad about posting but I've been sort of up and down. This week was terrible! I didn't make it out of the office in less than 12 hours a single day this week! *sigh* I don't know what to do. I'm so torn about this job situation. I want something more... but it is out of my reach what more is. I want to not be sad to go back to work. I have so many plans and I don't know which one will make me happy. too bad a coin toss won't work in life decisions. although I used to trick myself and use a coin toss and if I was disappointed at the outcome then I knew what I really wanted lol... unfortunately I kind of want to do EVERYTHING!! hehe... we'll see where all this goes... I'm motivated.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Catching up!
Ok... so one thing that the 100 Day Challenge book thing asks me to do every day (well for the first week...) is to write a "vision statement" so as I catch up and write about the days to catch my blog up to where I am now, I"ll put that day's portion of the vision statement in italics (and then I"ll probably put it in my about me... makes sense right?) Well anyhow it does ask to write in present tense as if the things I want are already true. It sounds a little awkward to me but oh well. :)
Aug. 16
I am so grateful that I can astutely express myself through words and that I consistently reach out to help others. I am so grateful to love my career which rewards me financially, psychologically and with plenty of personal time. I am so grateful that I am a successful writer who earns the respect of those versed in literature.
Physically I am 167 pounds, but healthier than I have been in years. I can't seem to break this 167 pound barrier these days. I think I've got to stop thinking that way. Maybe it is a mental barrier more than a physical one. I am proud of myself because even though I don't like my current job situation, I am supporting myself and being responsible. The other day I checked my credit and was shocked to find that it is actually fantastic. It made me feel a little better about taking a while to pay off my debt. Even though I'd rather have no debt, I guess steadily paying it off instead of sporadically doing so in large chunks is best because it results in great credit! I do think that there is a lot of clutter in my life, in my physical world as well as my mental. I'm surrounded by things that I don't actually need and yet I have a hard time letting go of them. I have a box of stuff for Goodwill that has sat by my door for 4 months now. I wonder what that says about me. Again although the job isn't great, this place is beautiful. There may not be many young people to hang out with, but it is amazingly beautiful when you drive down my street and then suddenly there is the harbor! Amazing!
Aug. 17
I am so grateful that I manage my wealth so well to have an abundant lifestyle, to give to to others and to have a secure, comfortable future. I am so grateful for everything that my wealth accomplishes for me and for others.
Hmmm this day I didn't write anything else in my book.
Aug. 18
I am created in the image of Elohim: the creator. Creativity is innate in my being and it brings me closer to God when I follow in those footsteps and create beautiful things through my words and actions.
Challenges in life:
Some of the challenging situations I have encountered... hmmm
1. Learning Portuguese. This I think was a challenge for me not only because of the obvious but because I'm such a perfectionist. I had a difficult time relaxing enough to make mistakes and be corrected. Although I' still uptight about that... I think I can be grateful for that experience because it taught me that sometimes you can't just automatically learn things. Sometimes you have to mess up to learn something new.
2. Although I hate it all the time (especially lately) I think my struggle to find someone special for my life has been important. I see so many people collapse their lives and personalities into the people they love and I know I would hate that if I did it. So I'm grateful that I have had the time to find myself, to decide who I am alone and to pursue the things I care about without having to sacrifice for a significant other.
3. Right now I'm not always grateful for it, but I think the fact that I struggle financially on a regular basis will be good for me someday. I think that because I'm managing to survive and even pay off debts on my tiny salary someday when I have more money available I will effectively live within my means and have an abundant life.
Aug. 19
I am so grateful for a handsome husband who understands, loves, adores and enjoys me. I am so grateful that we have adventures and quiet times.
Three people who push my buttons and why I should be grateful for them:
well I wrote about this but this is probably not the most appropriate place to talk about people who annoy me. hehe
Aug. 20
I am so grateful that I am forever learning and expanding my boundaries. I am grateful that my life and career are continually opening the doors of knowledge.
Aug. 21
I am am so grateful that I am fit and skinny and that I can easily enjoy and be happy with my body. I don't worry about health and fitness because I enjoy and crave things that are good for me.
Aug. 16
I am so grateful that I can astutely express myself through words and that I consistently reach out to help others. I am so grateful to love my career which rewards me financially, psychologically and with plenty of personal time. I am so grateful that I am a successful writer who earns the respect of those versed in literature.
Physically I am 167 pounds, but healthier than I have been in years. I can't seem to break this 167 pound barrier these days. I think I've got to stop thinking that way. Maybe it is a mental barrier more than a physical one. I am proud of myself because even though I don't like my current job situation, I am supporting myself and being responsible. The other day I checked my credit and was shocked to find that it is actually fantastic. It made me feel a little better about taking a while to pay off my debt. Even though I'd rather have no debt, I guess steadily paying it off instead of sporadically doing so in large chunks is best because it results in great credit! I do think that there is a lot of clutter in my life, in my physical world as well as my mental. I'm surrounded by things that I don't actually need and yet I have a hard time letting go of them. I have a box of stuff for Goodwill that has sat by my door for 4 months now. I wonder what that says about me. Again although the job isn't great, this place is beautiful. There may not be many young people to hang out with, but it is amazingly beautiful when you drive down my street and then suddenly there is the harbor! Amazing!
Aug. 17
I am so grateful that I manage my wealth so well to have an abundant lifestyle, to give to to others and to have a secure, comfortable future. I am so grateful for everything that my wealth accomplishes for me and for others.
Hmmm this day I didn't write anything else in my book.
Aug. 18
I am created in the image of Elohim: the creator. Creativity is innate in my being and it brings me closer to God when I follow in those footsteps and create beautiful things through my words and actions.
Challenges in life:
Some of the challenging situations I have encountered... hmmm
1. Learning Portuguese. This I think was a challenge for me not only because of the obvious but because I'm such a perfectionist. I had a difficult time relaxing enough to make mistakes and be corrected. Although I' still uptight about that... I think I can be grateful for that experience because it taught me that sometimes you can't just automatically learn things. Sometimes you have to mess up to learn something new.
2. Although I hate it all the time (especially lately) I think my struggle to find someone special for my life has been important. I see so many people collapse their lives and personalities into the people they love and I know I would hate that if I did it. So I'm grateful that I have had the time to find myself, to decide who I am alone and to pursue the things I care about without having to sacrifice for a significant other.
3. Right now I'm not always grateful for it, but I think the fact that I struggle financially on a regular basis will be good for me someday. I think that because I'm managing to survive and even pay off debts on my tiny salary someday when I have more money available I will effectively live within my means and have an abundant life.
Aug. 19
I am so grateful for a handsome husband who understands, loves, adores and enjoys me. I am so grateful that we have adventures and quiet times.
Three people who push my buttons and why I should be grateful for them:
well I wrote about this but this is probably not the most appropriate place to talk about people who annoy me. hehe
Aug. 20
I am so grateful that I am forever learning and expanding my boundaries. I am grateful that my life and career are continually opening the doors of knowledge.
Aug. 21
I am am so grateful that I am fit and skinny and that I can easily enjoy and be happy with my body. I don't worry about health and fitness because I enjoy and crave things that are good for me.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Busy bee
Staying super busy here! I have been working like crazy of course... nothing new there. On the other hand I've been feeling pretty down the past few days. I wish I knew how to make myself not depressed... but I don't.
Well contrary to my last two posts I'm gonna end there. I'm contemplative and just want to curl up in bed with a good book :) you know me.
talk to you guys later!!
Well contrary to my last two posts I'm gonna end there. I'm contemplative and just want to curl up in bed with a good book :) you know me.
talk to you guys later!!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Organization
Ah, Organization. Not my favorite word in the world. I am going to attempt to organize my room and my car today. I was going to do the whole house, but I think I need to take tiny bites. I'm going to rearrange my room while I'm at it too. :) I think I can get it to where I have a little more space in my cramped room while also cleaning. Before I do anything I'm going to go the gym. I don't usually go in the morning, but today I feel that if I don't I won't go at all. I am starting to see some results in my calves and arms so that is thrilling :) even though I haven't started to see dramatic scale results. I talked to both my trainer and to my doctor and both of them said it can take a couple months to see results on the scales especially since I was basically going from sedentary to active.
I bought my dress/tickets for Sarah's wedding in November!! I'm so excited to see everyone. Hopefully by then I have some sort of direction. I have a roommate... I might not have said that on here before... but anyway she is considering finding a new job. It really is a miserable situation here at work, so I can't blame her although I'll miss the financial help if she moves. Maybe after the gym I'll go to the library. I have a book craving and I don't want to spend more money. :P hehe.
One thing my life coach suggested for this week is to get into contact or at least attempt to contact a few authors who can talk to me about the publishing world. She suggested I read a book "Secrets of Six-Figure Women," which I read yesterday. The book is great and we'll see how I can see if I can make some of the "secrets" work for me. But, anyhow, the book is written by a local woman. She's really quite famous, but she lives right around here. So anyway, I'll see if I can get in contact with her as well. The writer is a former journalist, so I'm sure she sees where I'm coming from.
About a month ago I bought a GRE test prep and have installed it now, so all I need to do is take the diagnostic test and see where I stand. :P I hate these things. It has been 3 years since I was in school. That is so hard to believe. If I do decide to go back to grad school it will sure be an adjustment. I thought at first that I could maybe stay in this job and do grad school online if I did the library thing, and then if I did the English thing move to Bellingham, but I just don't know. It is all so scary!! I am not worried about the school part. It will be hard and take diligence and a lot of work... more than I ever did in college. It is more the finances and logistical thing that scares me. What if I spend thousands of dollars on school and find out that I hate that as well? How do I know that I'll like it? How does anyone?
My life coach made a good point the other day. She said, "So you want both financial security, and fulfillment from your job?" I hadn't considered that there are people who don't want or at least don't prioritize both. I do want both. The longer I'm single the more I wonder if I'll ever have a man that loves me. It isn't that I'm in despair or anything over that, but it is so extremely rare to find a guy that I have actual sparks with. I mean there are ones that I find extraordinarily handsome and there are those that I have a crush on their personalities, but it is so rare to have a real connection. Maybe only once or twice in my life. Even those I liked for a long time I got bored around if I were to be honest with myself. I mean, I'm nearly 26 years old and have had one boyfriend. Not that that is a bad thing, but really since we broke up four years ago I have been asked out only once. There must be something about me that sends the wrong signals or that doesn't attract guys to ask me out, because even though I don't do the bar hopping thing I have met a few eligible guys. *sigh* I never imagined at 6 years old watching Disney movies that it would be this complicated 20 years later. :(
On the writing side of things, I have a little project that I'd like to spend some time with instead of my book. I think it is publishable, and although my bosses won't publish it, I have gotten permission to publish it elsewhere, albeit under a nom de plume so you'll understand if I don't elaborate on what the project is. Today I'll work on research and then I think the next few days I can work on writing it.
Alright well I'll quit with the rambling!!
Today is day one of my 100 Day Challenge(by the way totals will always reflect a TOTAL not just for that day):
I have lost 2 pounds
I have written 1 page
I have saved a little bit
I bought my dress/tickets for Sarah's wedding in November!! I'm so excited to see everyone. Hopefully by then I have some sort of direction. I have a roommate... I might not have said that on here before... but anyway she is considering finding a new job. It really is a miserable situation here at work, so I can't blame her although I'll miss the financial help if she moves. Maybe after the gym I'll go to the library. I have a book craving and I don't want to spend more money. :P hehe.
One thing my life coach suggested for this week is to get into contact or at least attempt to contact a few authors who can talk to me about the publishing world. She suggested I read a book "Secrets of Six-Figure Women," which I read yesterday. The book is great and we'll see how I can see if I can make some of the "secrets" work for me. But, anyhow, the book is written by a local woman. She's really quite famous, but she lives right around here. So anyway, I'll see if I can get in contact with her as well. The writer is a former journalist, so I'm sure she sees where I'm coming from.
About a month ago I bought a GRE test prep and have installed it now, so all I need to do is take the diagnostic test and see where I stand. :P I hate these things. It has been 3 years since I was in school. That is so hard to believe. If I do decide to go back to grad school it will sure be an adjustment. I thought at first that I could maybe stay in this job and do grad school online if I did the library thing, and then if I did the English thing move to Bellingham, but I just don't know. It is all so scary!! I am not worried about the school part. It will be hard and take diligence and a lot of work... more than I ever did in college. It is more the finances and logistical thing that scares me. What if I spend thousands of dollars on school and find out that I hate that as well? How do I know that I'll like it? How does anyone?
My life coach made a good point the other day. She said, "So you want both financial security, and fulfillment from your job?" I hadn't considered that there are people who don't want or at least don't prioritize both. I do want both. The longer I'm single the more I wonder if I'll ever have a man that loves me. It isn't that I'm in despair or anything over that, but it is so extremely rare to find a guy that I have actual sparks with. I mean there are ones that I find extraordinarily handsome and there are those that I have a crush on their personalities, but it is so rare to have a real connection. Maybe only once or twice in my life. Even those I liked for a long time I got bored around if I were to be honest with myself. I mean, I'm nearly 26 years old and have had one boyfriend. Not that that is a bad thing, but really since we broke up four years ago I have been asked out only once. There must be something about me that sends the wrong signals or that doesn't attract guys to ask me out, because even though I don't do the bar hopping thing I have met a few eligible guys. *sigh* I never imagined at 6 years old watching Disney movies that it would be this complicated 20 years later. :(
On the writing side of things, I have a little project that I'd like to spend some time with instead of my book. I think it is publishable, and although my bosses won't publish it, I have gotten permission to publish it elsewhere, albeit under a nom de plume so you'll understand if I don't elaborate on what the project is. Today I'll work on research and then I think the next few days I can work on writing it.
Alright well I'll quit with the rambling!!
Today is day one of my 100 Day Challenge(by the way totals will always reflect a TOTAL not just for that day):
I have lost 2 pounds
I have written 1 page
I have saved a little bit
Friday, August 15, 2008
Goooooooaaaaaaaalllllllls
skip the lists if you like I'll intersperse real stuff in between :) real revelations for me going on! :) hehe
hehe.... so that is how they would announce a goal in Brazil (ok, ok I know they mean a soccer goal but still...)
Here are my goals for the 100 Day Challenge. Yes I realize I'm, um, behind but I'll start tomorrow and go from there.
Goals
90 day goals
1. Research potential career opportunities. I have no clue what to do with myself.
2. Work on health. Cook meals at home more often and workout.
3. Fix my budget system.
4. Take the GRE in case I do decide on graduate school.
5. Organize my house, car and desk.
1 year goals
1. Move in a direction toward a better career path (whether that is in more training/grad school or to an actual new job.)
2. Pay off at least half of my debt while also keeping some in savings.
3. Lose some weight. (how much???)
4. Make some friends locally, go on some dates.
5-10 year goals
1. Have a home (whether a long term rental situation or on my way to buying a place at least)
2. A fulfilling career that pays a sufficient salary.
3. Have finished (writing) a book.
4. Be ready to be or be in a long term relationship
I thought long and hard about these, and I'm fairly satisfied. I'm using my 90 day goals as my 100 Day Challenge goals as these are the ones I set for my life coach to keep me accountable for. (I figure the 10 days extra is a moot point!)
So here are things that I've learned so far:
I am an INFJ personality type which means an introvert, intuitive, feeler, judger. I have to say all of it was pretty clear except for the difference between F and T -- Feeler and Thinker, respectively -- that one was split about 60/40 on the test. The book that I bought had suggestions on jobs that might be good for my personality type.
Here was my list:
I get the feeling that some of my family and my friends are starting to get annoyed with my lack of direction, but no decision in my life has been easy for me. I cried and worried for months and months before (rather randomly) selecting Midwestern as my school of choice. I'm thrilled that I did, but I have to say that nothing fell into place for me. I was miserable most of college. And since graduation I've endured depression like I never experienced before. I was out of it for a while, but I'm starting to feel like I'm sinking back in. I try and avoid it by filling my days with activities to distract me from the fact that every time I'm alone I just break down in tears. So hopefully I can keep myself distracted long enough for my body or soul or spirit or whatever is depressed to get to a better place.
I think I'm finally on a good path, one that will lead to fulfillment. I have to say I'm a little mad at God sometimes. I always used to think that was ridiculous because God is all-knowing etc. Everything is for the best, I used to believe. But I have been so faithful my whole life. I really earnestly want to do the right thing. WHY WON'T GOD TELL ME WHAT THAT IS?????? So I basically think there isn't a plan anymore... maybe a general direction but not a blueprint for my life. I think he might have the type of guy he wants me to pick for a husband but I don't believe there is "someone out there for me" -- I don't believe that anymore anyway. I guess I like the idea of soulmates, but I just don't think it is true for everyone. But all in all perhaps disillusionment is a good thing. It means that I'm taking control of my life. It means that I'm figuring out what I really want. I want to be happy. I used to believe that God wanted our holiness more than our happiness. But I'm tired of being miserable. I cannot function and be holy without hapiness. I need to feel elation for once in my life. I want to be in love. I need to feel fulfilled.
Maybe I sound like a bitter person now, but that is where I am. Perhaps things will change as I go through this journey. I have struggled with these beliefs more than anyone can imagine, though. I believe big things are in store for my life. I believe that I will make it. It is time that I put myself first for once and really worked on who I am. I'm not sure that I know.
This is day negative one of my challenge:
I have lost 0 pounds
I have written 0 pages of my book
I have saved a little bit in my savings
hehe.... so that is how they would announce a goal in Brazil (ok, ok I know they mean a soccer goal but still...)
Here are my goals for the 100 Day Challenge. Yes I realize I'm, um, behind but I'll start tomorrow and go from there.
Goals
90 day goals
1. Research potential career opportunities. I have no clue what to do with myself.
2. Work on health. Cook meals at home more often and workout.
3. Fix my budget system.
4. Take the GRE in case I do decide on graduate school.
5. Organize my house, car and desk.
1 year goals
1. Move in a direction toward a better career path (whether that is in more training/grad school or to an actual new job.)
2. Pay off at least half of my debt while also keeping some in savings.
3. Lose some weight. (how much???)
4. Make some friends locally, go on some dates.
5-10 year goals
1. Have a home (whether a long term rental situation or on my way to buying a place at least)
2. A fulfilling career that pays a sufficient salary.
3. Have finished (writing) a book.
4. Be ready to be or be in a long term relationship
I thought long and hard about these, and I'm fairly satisfied. I'm using my 90 day goals as my 100 Day Challenge goals as these are the ones I set for my life coach to keep me accountable for. (I figure the 10 days extra is a moot point!)
So here are things that I've learned so far:
I am an INFJ personality type which means an introvert, intuitive, feeler, judger. I have to say all of it was pretty clear except for the difference between F and T -- Feeler and Thinker, respectively -- that one was split about 60/40 on the test. The book that I bought had suggestions on jobs that might be good for my personality type.
Here was my list:
- Career counselor
- Psychologist
- Professor (English)
- Educational consultant
- Librarian
- Bilingual education teacher
- Museum research worker
- Religious worker
- Novelist
- Freelance media planner
- Genealogist
- Desktop publisher
- Web site editor
- Legal mediator
- Interpretor/translator
- Literary agent
- Human resources manager
- Executive coach
I get the feeling that some of my family and my friends are starting to get annoyed with my lack of direction, but no decision in my life has been easy for me. I cried and worried for months and months before (rather randomly) selecting Midwestern as my school of choice. I'm thrilled that I did, but I have to say that nothing fell into place for me. I was miserable most of college. And since graduation I've endured depression like I never experienced before. I was out of it for a while, but I'm starting to feel like I'm sinking back in. I try and avoid it by filling my days with activities to distract me from the fact that every time I'm alone I just break down in tears. So hopefully I can keep myself distracted long enough for my body or soul or spirit or whatever is depressed to get to a better place.
I think I'm finally on a good path, one that will lead to fulfillment. I have to say I'm a little mad at God sometimes. I always used to think that was ridiculous because God is all-knowing etc. Everything is for the best, I used to believe. But I have been so faithful my whole life. I really earnestly want to do the right thing. WHY WON'T GOD TELL ME WHAT THAT IS?????? So I basically think there isn't a plan anymore... maybe a general direction but not a blueprint for my life. I think he might have the type of guy he wants me to pick for a husband but I don't believe there is "someone out there for me" -- I don't believe that anymore anyway. I guess I like the idea of soulmates, but I just don't think it is true for everyone. But all in all perhaps disillusionment is a good thing. It means that I'm taking control of my life. It means that I'm figuring out what I really want. I want to be happy. I used to believe that God wanted our holiness more than our happiness. But I'm tired of being miserable. I cannot function and be holy without hapiness. I need to feel elation for once in my life. I want to be in love. I need to feel fulfilled.
Maybe I sound like a bitter person now, but that is where I am. Perhaps things will change as I go through this journey. I have struggled with these beliefs more than anyone can imagine, though. I believe big things are in store for my life. I believe that I will make it. It is time that I put myself first for once and really worked on who I am. I'm not sure that I know.
This is day negative one of my challenge:
I have lost 0 pounds
I have written 0 pages of my book
I have saved a little bit in my savings
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Ah, Bliss.
Working out is actually a lot more fun than I thought it would be. It has been a welcome distraction from my recent boy troubles, and a wonderful way to get rid of stress from work. Today I went to the doctor and he seemed unconcerned that I hadn't lost any weight in 6 weeks of working out. He said it can sometimes take a few months, and then once metabolism begins to change I should start losing weight. :P not what I wanted to hear, but oh well. At least it doesn't seem anything is wrong.
Tomorrow is my appointment with the life coach. I'm really looking forward to it. I think she can be a huge help with finding what I want to do.
We had a work meeting today and got a small lecture about turning things in earlier. I think that it actually was a good thing. I'll work very hard to turn things in early and get out early. I think one conversation I was contemplating with my boss is resolved. I was going to talk to her about how this schedule is awful. Well if she wants us to turn in stuff earlier then I will... and I will leave earlier. She tried to make us feel bad for her but I don't really. A lot of the issues are created by the environment and some by her, so if she is going to change that great... if not then oh well, not my fault.
I'll post again later or maybe tomorrow my goals for the 100 days coming. For my life coach I also had to come up with goals for the next year and the next 5-10 years so I'll post those too. We'll see where we go.
This is day zero of my challenge. So far I have lost 0 pounds and written 0 pages of my own work.
Tomorrow is my appointment with the life coach. I'm really looking forward to it. I think she can be a huge help with finding what I want to do.
We had a work meeting today and got a small lecture about turning things in earlier. I think that it actually was a good thing. I'll work very hard to turn things in early and get out early. I think one conversation I was contemplating with my boss is resolved. I was going to talk to her about how this schedule is awful. Well if she wants us to turn in stuff earlier then I will... and I will leave earlier. She tried to make us feel bad for her but I don't really. A lot of the issues are created by the environment and some by her, so if she is going to change that great... if not then oh well, not my fault.
I'll post again later or maybe tomorrow my goals for the 100 days coming. For my life coach I also had to come up with goals for the next year and the next 5-10 years so I'll post those too. We'll see where we go.
This is day zero of my challenge. So far I have lost 0 pounds and written 0 pages of my own work.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
As much as things change....
.... they still stay the same.
My, my life is changing ever so swiftly and yet outwardly everything is the same. I will begin a new 100 day challenge starting tomorrow -- Monday, August 11 to end on November 11 or thereabouts.
Good things are happening. I'm taking control of my life, finances, schedule, body and future, so those things are good.
On the other hand... I feel aimless still and am starting to feel a little depressed. I feel purposeless and I'm annoyed at everything. Small things from just about everyone in my life irk me unreasonably and I don't know how to stop it. What happened to the me that was so at peace?
My, my life is changing ever so swiftly and yet outwardly everything is the same. I will begin a new 100 day challenge starting tomorrow -- Monday, August 11 to end on November 11 or thereabouts.
Good things are happening. I'm taking control of my life, finances, schedule, body and future, so those things are good.
On the other hand... I feel aimless still and am starting to feel a little depressed. I feel purposeless and I'm annoyed at everything. Small things from just about everyone in my life irk me unreasonably and I don't know how to stop it. What happened to the me that was so at peace?
Monday, July 7, 2008
New goals, new challenge
Well since my terrible interview just a few weeks ago, I have been re-evaluating where exactly I am going. For about a year now I've been searching for a job, hoping to find something low-maintenance. I have been unsuccessful. But now, despite the terrible situation at work right now and how annoyed I am with the bosses for getting us here (and yes they currently believe that nothing is their fault), I will stay here a year longer. By then I will have much of my debt paid off, my car paid off and hopefully will be accepted to graduate school. I have resisted graduate school for a long time because I don't really know if teaching is for me. I have no idea if I would really be good at it or if it is any less stressful than what I'm doing now. Teachers constantly tell me (I'm the education reporter so I talk to them all the time) that they are unappreciated and that what they do takes just as many hours as any one else they just don't get paid for it. I am constantly annoyed with the WASL or TAKS or whatever the local test is so I think that high school is probably not for me... also... the politics of universities bug me. I have no desire to go into politics and hate it in the office even more. So to me it seemed like there was no option for teaching. But I think that if I go to graduate school I could teach at a private school or at a junior college level. So, that is where I'm going. I think. :S Anyhow, this changes a lot of the purpose behind my goals and I think that I need to re-evaluate my 100 Day Challenge altogether. So... Tomorrow I"ll begin again and post some new goals and start over.
Here we go!! Thanks for being on the ride!
Here we go!! Thanks for being on the ride!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Fate
Is playing a game with me I think. I am a long-time fan of Sex and the City. I went to the movie as soon as I could once it was out. While watching the series with the director commentary on (yes, I really did that) he once said that they were constantly trying to put a "pie in the face" to the girls on the show. Once the girls thought something was good... out came the pie. I sort of feel like God has been doing that to me for a while. Maybe people think that is sacrilegious or dramatic, but that is how I feel. I have this great interview set up today and there must have been some sort of power failure or something and my phone (which I use as my alarm) died in the middle of the night. So I'll be an hour and a half (at least) late to the interview. I am on the ferry right now so that is how I have time to type about all this. Honestly I am devastated though. It isn't that I wanted the job so bad, but it just feels like I am not me lately. I used to never be late to anything and now I constantly am. I also feel like I have been flailing. I am somewhat better on track with getting in shape and all that, but careerwise, love-life wise and in so many other areas of my life I'm lost. When I was in high school I loved a worship song that said "make me, break me for your will." well now I hate that I ever sang that. I have been begging God for a relief of the breaking for about 7 years now. My dad said "you have to have faith that all this is for the best." The problem is that I don't I have faith that there is any plan at all sometimes. I've been trying to think positively and draw the things I want most into my life, but I just feel stuck.
Sometimes I don't even know me anymore.
Sometimes I don't even know me anymore.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Me and calendars... or math...
Ok so when I guesstimated yesterday was day 14 I was wrong... it is actually day 26 today! Oh my.
So tomorrow is my interview and I'm super nervous. I should sleep but I doubt that I'll sleep very well because I always do this stupid make myself sick thing. Oh well I'll just spend the evening getting ready for the interview. Today was hectic and everyone in the office was super tense. Last thing last night the two top people were *screaming* at each other... and this morning was a huge mess of closed-door meetings with yelling going on. It would be funny if it weren't so frustrating. The one thing I have to remind myself is I don't want to trade for a job just like this and I don't want to trade for worse for sure!
I did my workout today and feel exhausted! But in a good way.
That's all for now, folks! I'll be talking to you!
So tomorrow is my interview and I'm super nervous. I should sleep but I doubt that I'll sleep very well because I always do this stupid make myself sick thing. Oh well I'll just spend the evening getting ready for the interview. Today was hectic and everyone in the office was super tense. Last thing last night the two top people were *screaming* at each other... and this morning was a huge mess of closed-door meetings with yelling going on. It would be funny if it weren't so frustrating. The one thing I have to remind myself is I don't want to trade for a job just like this and I don't want to trade for worse for sure!
I did my workout today and feel exhausted! But in a good way.
That's all for now, folks! I'll be talking to you!
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Oh wow
It has been so long since my last post. It has been a crazy few days at work! I believe this is day 14 of my 100 day challenge but I"ll recacluate soon. I have the work book but I haven't been doing that every day either. I need to start getting up earlier but I've been having a hard time with that :(.
I received a new workout routine in the mail and it is totally kicking my butt in a good way! It is called Turbo Jam. The leader woman is so energetic so it is a little annoying but the workout is so great that I don't mind that much. They claim you will burn 700 calories in the 45 minute workout, but I am skeptical. The best part is they build in water breaks. With other workouts I'm always trying to drink my water as I workout and end up spilling all over so that is awesome. I still love pilates but I haven't been losing anything!! So I had to switch to something a little more cardio.
In other news I have a job interview this Friday. :D It is a PR-ish position at an organization to help children around the world get an education. In some ways I still feel guilty for leaving but in others I'm sooo ready. Mostly I feel bad for my co-workers who will be the ones to really suffer. The rest of work is just too disorganized and the chaos will continue long after I'm gone.
As far as writing goes it is so hard lately. I haven't done hardly anything on my own writing in a long time. I *will* get there. Maybe this job is it... maybe it isn't. I won't know probably ever. I'll just take a leap if they seem nice.
I received a new workout routine in the mail and it is totally kicking my butt in a good way! It is called Turbo Jam. The leader woman is so energetic so it is a little annoying but the workout is so great that I don't mind that much. They claim you will burn 700 calories in the 45 minute workout, but I am skeptical. The best part is they build in water breaks. With other workouts I'm always trying to drink my water as I workout and end up spilling all over so that is awesome. I still love pilates but I haven't been losing anything!! So I had to switch to something a little more cardio.
In other news I have a job interview this Friday. :D It is a PR-ish position at an organization to help children around the world get an education. In some ways I still feel guilty for leaving but in others I'm sooo ready. Mostly I feel bad for my co-workers who will be the ones to really suffer. The rest of work is just too disorganized and the chaos will continue long after I'm gone.
As far as writing goes it is so hard lately. I haven't done hardly anything on my own writing in a long time. I *will* get there. Maybe this job is it... maybe it isn't. I won't know probably ever. I'll just take a leap if they seem nice.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Down Day
Today I'm feeling sort of frustrated because I not only got some e-mails that I would need a correction in one of my stories, but I just feel blah physically. I'm at my friends house for the weekend and I think I'll have a great time, I'm just sort of frustrated too.
I feel sometimes as if the right job will never come along. I hate feeling like I'm not good at what I do.
I feel sometimes as if the right job will never come along. I hate feeling like I'm not good at what I do.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
All in a name (part 2)
I suppose I didn't really explain very much *why* the book "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter" meant a lot to me in my last "name" post. I think it was so freeing to think that women could be equal to man. I know it seems like an archaic realization, but I think most people don't even realize how our society puts women down still.
As a high schooler who was starting a prayer group, I was told by a church authority figure that if a boy stepped forward and wanted to lead the group, I should step down. (Yes it was in an answer to a question that I asked, but I can't tell you how my heart dropped . . . the thought process all led up to "a girl isn't good enough.") As a fledgling reporter multiple people told me that I was too timid, too girly, my voice was too high, etc. One person even suggested I take voice lessons to lower my voice. ("President Bush -- the first one -- did and it gained him a lot of respect," they said.) I grew to despise all things that made me more feminine, dresses, skirts, even the color pink.
I'm not saying I had a hard life, because I didn't. And as far as I know I haven't been discriminated against because I am female. These are just examples of small critiques that people made over the course of a decade which left me feeling secondary.
Many of my friends won't agree, but I also don't really believe that a woman should have to submit to her husband. I once heard a Sunday school teacher explain that a marriage is like a partnership and there will be times where the two just absolutely can't agree on something so *someone* has to make the decision, so in her opinion it should be the man by default. But honestly, how many times is there an issue so huge that an agreement couldn't be reached? Isn't that the essence of compromise? I'm probably too idealistic since I've never been married, but shouldn't each partner respect each other enough to reasonably listen to the other's opinion?
I don't know... I'll probably laugh at myself after I'm married someday, but to me it seems reasonable that there aren't many cases when compromise couldn't be reached. We shall see.
As a high schooler who was starting a prayer group, I was told by a church authority figure that if a boy stepped forward and wanted to lead the group, I should step down. (Yes it was in an answer to a question that I asked, but I can't tell you how my heart dropped . . . the thought process all led up to "a girl isn't good enough.") As a fledgling reporter multiple people told me that I was too timid, too girly, my voice was too high, etc. One person even suggested I take voice lessons to lower my voice. ("President Bush -- the first one -- did and it gained him a lot of respect," they said.) I grew to despise all things that made me more feminine, dresses, skirts, even the color pink.
I'm not saying I had a hard life, because I didn't. And as far as I know I haven't been discriminated against because I am female. These are just examples of small critiques that people made over the course of a decade which left me feeling secondary.
Many of my friends won't agree, but I also don't really believe that a woman should have to submit to her husband. I once heard a Sunday school teacher explain that a marriage is like a partnership and there will be times where the two just absolutely can't agree on something so *someone* has to make the decision, so in her opinion it should be the man by default. But honestly, how many times is there an issue so huge that an agreement couldn't be reached? Isn't that the essence of compromise? I'm probably too idealistic since I've never been married, but shouldn't each partner respect each other enough to reasonably listen to the other's opinion?
I don't know... I'll probably laugh at myself after I'm married someday, but to me it seems reasonable that there aren't many cases when compromise couldn't be reached. We shall see.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Lucky Number 7
Today is day 7 and I was soooo bad today. Hopefully I can get back on course. I already ate a healthy supper but I just need to stay more consistent. I am also thinking about either joining a gym or getting some new workout stuff because I need some inspiration for the exercise part of the challenge. My roommate will start paying me rent this month so hopefully I can afford to do some more things like that. We'll see. My finances are working out pretty well... even though my job sucks it will be hard to leave this financial situation. I have a great apartment and a roommate to make it cheap. And likely whatever job I find will be a slight pay cut at least at first. So that makes it tough to leave. Oh well... I hope the right thing comes along so that I won't doubt myself!! That is my biggest issue often is doubting what I want!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Actionable faith
So, I've been contemplating faith and God lately. One thing that has always bothered me are those people who always talk this big game about God and their faith and all they can do is condemn people. I have always been more hesitant about sharing my faith out loud, but have always been all about living things out. I have always felt strongly all this "faith stuff" is more about living love rather than trying to convince the world to think just like I do. So anyway.
I found this Web site that articulates that so well. It is called Off The Map. One interesting thing is that they "bought" an atheist on ebay and asked him to go to different churches for a year and talk about his impressions of the churches. It was really interesting what he thought of the churches and how they presented themselves and how bizarre some of the customs that people (like me) that grew up in churches just accept. It doesn't always make sense to someone who has never been in a church before.
If nothing else in my life I hope that I live LOVE. I hope people enjoy being around me. I hope I radiate positive energy and make people feel peace. I hope myself is good enough.
I found this Web site that articulates that so well. It is called Off The Map. One interesting thing is that they "bought" an atheist on ebay and asked him to go to different churches for a year and talk about his impressions of the churches. It was really interesting what he thought of the churches and how they presented themselves and how bizarre some of the customs that people (like me) that grew up in churches just accept. It doesn't always make sense to someone who has never been in a church before.
If nothing else in my life I hope that I live LOVE. I hope people enjoy being around me. I hope I radiate positive energy and make people feel peace. I hope myself is good enough.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Fairy tale
Ah, today was beautiful. I took a trip to Silverdale to go to Barnes and Noble. If I am ever rich I am soooo going to buy myself a whole house full of books. A library of my own. :) *That* is my idea of a fairy tale.... hehe... It always makes me smile to go into a bookstore.
Tomorrow I go back to work after my three-day weekend, and though I'd rather not I'll be ok. I have a few stories up my sleeve, so if it is slow I have something to do. If it is not then that is ok, though I prefer it to be slow.
I have a headache today, but hopefully by morning it will be gone and I can work out. I almost bought some new work out DVDs today, but I think really I should get outside to work out. I live in such a beautiful place and I always feel such a strong connection to the beauty that is in nature that I think that will do me good, assuming I can talk myself into getting up early!
I think I need to go to the eye doctor because I've had a lot of headaches lately and I think it is related to my glasses prescription.
Ok without further ado here are a few pics from this weekend:
Tomorrow I go back to work after my three-day weekend, and though I'd rather not I'll be ok. I have a few stories up my sleeve, so if it is slow I have something to do. If it is not then that is ok, though I prefer it to be slow.
I have a headache today, but hopefully by morning it will be gone and I can work out. I almost bought some new work out DVDs today, but I think really I should get outside to work out. I live in such a beautiful place and I always feel such a strong connection to the beauty that is in nature that I think that will do me good, assuming I can talk myself into getting up early!
I think I need to go to the eye doctor because I've had a lot of headaches lately and I think it is related to my glasses prescription.
Ok without further ado here are a few pics from this weekend:
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tourist Time
Today I played tourist and went on the Forks Logging Tour. It was a blast. I took about a million pictures (will post later) and a couple of videos. It was amazing how they just toss whole trees like they are toothpicks. So amazing. Now I'm in Forks. This is where the trilogy of books Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse are based. Starting next week the Forks Chamber of Commerce will be giving tours of town to the locations that are mentioned in the books. It is a great idea. The books have become somewhat of a phenomenon and are being compared to Harry Potter in popularity. At first I scoffed at that idea, but I think they might be right.
I like things like this even though it is work-related. I'll probably go home and nap today and who knows what tomorrow (possibly work.)
Today I am happy. No particular reason but I truly feel that something good is coming my way. (Oh please let it be that job!!!)
I feel stable for the first time in a long time, and even though I don't feel like my happiness is complete I feel at last like I am being who I really am and enjoying the ride.
I like things like this even though it is work-related. I'll probably go home and nap today and who knows what tomorrow (possibly work.)
Today I am happy. No particular reason but I truly feel that something good is coming my way. (Oh please let it be that job!!!)
I feel stable for the first time in a long time, and even though I don't feel like my happiness is complete I feel at last like I am being who I really am and enjoying the ride.
Spring Cleanng
So today I cleaned my house. Everything except my room. It looks, smells and feels wonderful. What was my inspiration you ask? Ok yes the challenge to some degree but also I was mad at this boy who I am not sure where things are going. So anger always inspires cleaning for me because it has a calming and cleansing effect. hehe it worked by the way.
Tomorrow I'm going to a tiny town west of here to take a tour. It should be fun and I'll take lots of pictures. Hopefully they come out well!
So I hope you guys had a wonderful day and I'll be talking to you soon. I'm heading to bed for now!
Tomorrow I'm going to a tiny town west of here to take a tour. It should be fun and I'll take lots of pictures. Hopefully they come out well!
So I hope you guys had a wonderful day and I'll be talking to you soon. I'm heading to bed for now!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Ah . . . books
Books are one of those things that refresh, rejuvenate and inspire me. It doesn't seem to matter if the book is happy, sad, dramatic or plotless, I just love curling up with a well written book. One of the blogs I read regularly posted this list and I think I'd love to read all of these books in the next couple years.
In 2007, as part of its 80th birthday celebration, the Strand Bookstore at the corner of 12th and Broadway in New York City (famous for its slogan “18 Miles of Books”) decided to poll its customers for their 80 favorite books. There are some surprising books on this list, which is made up almost exclusively of fiction. Here’s the list they came up with (the books I’ve read are bolded):
To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee
Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen
The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Catcher in the Rye, by JD Salinger
Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand
The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand
The Fellowship of the Rings, by JRR Tolkien
One Hundred Years of Solitude, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, by JK Rowling
Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov
1984, by George Orwell
On the Road, by Jack Kerouac
Gone With the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell
Anna Karenina, by Leo Tolstoy
The Brothers Karamazov, by Fyodor Dostoevsky
Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, by Betty Smith
Slaughter-House Five, by Kurt Vonnegut
Ulysses, by James Joyce
The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini
Catch-22, by Joseph Heller
The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck
East of Eden, by John Steinbeck
The Sun Also Rises, by Ernest Hemmingway
War and Peace, by Leo Tolstoy
The Hobbit, by JRR Tolkien
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by JK Rowling
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, by Michael Chabon
Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte
A Prayer For Owen Meaney, by John Irving
The Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll
The Stranger, by Albert Camus
Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley
Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott
Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides
Moby Dick, by Herman Melville
The Alchemist, by Paul Coelho
Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo
A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens
Anthem, by Ayn Rand
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, by Haruki Murakami
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain
In Cold Blood, by Truman Capote
Cat’s Cradle, by Kurt Vonnegut
Love in the Time of Cholera, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Little Prince, by Antoine De Saint-Eupery
The Time Traveler’s Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger
Invisible Man, by Ralph Ellison
The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera
The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath
The World According to Garp, by John Irving
Middlemarch, by George Eliot
To the Lighthouse, by Virginia Woolf
The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, by JK Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, by JK Rowling
The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway
Ender’s Game, by Orson Scott Card
Bleak House, by Charles Dickens
Beloved, by Toni Morrison
Great Expectations, by Charles Dickens
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, by Dave Eggers
Fight Club, by Chuck Palahniuk
The Sound and the Fury, by William Faulkner
Mrs. Dalloway, by Virginia Woolf
The Giver, by Lois Lowry
Master and Margarita, by Mikhail Bulgakov
Blindness, by Jose Saramago
Life of Pi, by Yann Martel
Madame Bovary, by Gustave Flaubert
Where the Wild Things Are, by Maurice Sendak
The Chronicles of Narnia, by CS Lewis
The Odyssey, by Homer
The Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown
Franny and Zooey, by JD Salinger
A Wrinkle in Time, by Madeleine L’Engle
Everything is Illuminated, by Jonathan Safran Foer
The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde
The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood (tied with The Picture of Dorian Gray, so this is really "The Strand 81")
In 2007, as part of its 80th birthday celebration, the Strand Bookstore at the corner of 12th and Broadway in New York City (famous for its slogan “18 Miles of Books”) decided to poll its customers for their 80 favorite books. There are some surprising books on this list, which is made up almost exclusively of fiction. Here’s the list they came up with (the books I’ve read are bolded):
To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee
Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen
The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Catcher in the Rye, by JD Salinger
Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand
The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand
The Fellowship of the Rings, by JRR Tolkien
One Hundred Years of Solitude, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, by JK Rowling
Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov
1984, by George Orwell
On the Road, by Jack Kerouac
Gone With the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell
Anna Karenina, by Leo Tolstoy
The Brothers Karamazov, by Fyodor Dostoevsky
Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, by Betty Smith
Slaughter-House Five, by Kurt Vonnegut
Ulysses, by James Joyce
The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini
Catch-22, by Joseph Heller
The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck
East of Eden, by John Steinbeck
The Sun Also Rises, by Ernest Hemmingway
War and Peace, by Leo Tolstoy
The Hobbit, by JRR Tolkien
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by JK Rowling
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, by Michael Chabon
Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte
A Prayer For Owen Meaney, by John Irving
The Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll
The Stranger, by Albert Camus
Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley
Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott
Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides
Moby Dick, by Herman Melville
The Alchemist, by Paul Coelho
Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo
A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens
Anthem, by Ayn Rand
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, by Haruki Murakami
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain
In Cold Blood, by Truman Capote
Cat’s Cradle, by Kurt Vonnegut
Love in the Time of Cholera, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Little Prince, by Antoine De Saint-Eupery
The Time Traveler’s Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger
Invisible Man, by Ralph Ellison
The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera
The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath
The World According to Garp, by John Irving
Middlemarch, by George Eliot
To the Lighthouse, by Virginia Woolf
The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, by JK Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, by JK Rowling
The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway
Ender’s Game, by Orson Scott Card
Bleak House, by Charles Dickens
Beloved, by Toni Morrison
Great Expectations, by Charles Dickens
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, by Dave Eggers
Fight Club, by Chuck Palahniuk
The Sound and the Fury, by William Faulkner
Mrs. Dalloway, by Virginia Woolf
The Giver, by Lois Lowry
Master and Margarita, by Mikhail Bulgakov
Blindness, by Jose Saramago
Life of Pi, by Yann Martel
Madame Bovary, by Gustave Flaubert
Where the Wild Things Are, by Maurice Sendak
The Chronicles of Narnia, by CS Lewis
The Odyssey, by Homer
The Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown
Franny and Zooey, by JD Salinger
A Wrinkle in Time, by Madeleine L’Engle
Everything is Illuminated, by Jonathan Safran Foer
The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde
The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood (tied with The Picture of Dorian Gray, so this is really "The Strand 81")
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Day 2, Season 1
Work, work, work! At last that is *not* the story of my life. Tomorrow begins my three-day weekend! I cannot say how psyched I am. I am dealing with a relationship thing right now where I am contemplating where it is going . . . because it seems to be going nowhere. This man is probably the best guy I have met in a very long time, only we haven't actually met. He seems to be dragging his feet for some unknown reason. So, that brought me down just a little bit. We will see where things go.
I am still positive and moving forward though. I have been in an unexplainable good mood lately. I hope it continues. I can't really describe it, but I have this feeling that the winds are changing and my life will soon too. I am excited and scared and positive all at once.
I believe that something will happen very soon. Today I was thinking of the beauty that is in nature. That is one thing that makes me smile no matter what.
These things remind me of the peace and serenity that I hope to reflect in my daily life.
Today I also cleaned my house. It is looking quite nice, I must say. Just have to vacuum but I'll do that tomorrow when I won't wake up the neighbors' baby.
I am still positive and moving forward though. I have been in an unexplainable good mood lately. I hope it continues. I can't really describe it, but I have this feeling that the winds are changing and my life will soon too. I am excited and scared and positive all at once.
I believe that something will happen very soon. Today I was thinking of the beauty that is in nature. That is one thing that makes me smile no matter what.
These things remind me of the peace and serenity that I hope to reflect in my daily life.Today I also cleaned my house. It is looking quite nice, I must say. Just have to vacuum but I'll do that tomorrow when I won't wake up the neighbors' baby.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
All in a name
I guess I should explain the name. "The Dissident Daughter" comes from a book that I read about a year ago called "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter" by Sue Monk Kidd (author of "The Secret Life of Bees.")
The book is about the awakening of the female spirituality. It has meant a great deal to me. One thing that the book taught me is that women don't have to act like men in order to be equal to them. The stereotypical man who is successful at work is driven, hard nosed and dominant. A woman who acts in such a fashion is often viewed as a B****. In order to be most successful women do not have to act the same as a man. Being equal to a man does not mean acting the same. And that doesn't mean their behavior is bad, just different.
That was a freeing thing to me, and I think I've begun to exemplify some of those characteristics. Just the other day my co-worker was talking to me about women reporters covering the police beat. He said that generally there are two types of women reporters doing it successfully. One is the bats-their-eyes-and-flirts-acts-innocent-and-dumb type. The other is the acts-like-a-guy-trades-dirty-joke-for-dirty-joke type. Then he said, "you of course are the exception." I happily admit I think he is right. Somehow I have managed to get the respect and response out of the police agencies without acting dumb or acting like a guy.
So all that to say, I think I'm getting there. I want to be totally ME. I want to exude confidence and happiness and to feel both completely.
The book is about the awakening of the female spirituality. It has meant a great deal to me. One thing that the book taught me is that women don't have to act like men in order to be equal to them. The stereotypical man who is successful at work is driven, hard nosed and dominant. A woman who acts in such a fashion is often viewed as a B****. In order to be most successful women do not have to act the same as a man. Being equal to a man does not mean acting the same. And that doesn't mean their behavior is bad, just different.
That was a freeing thing to me, and I think I've begun to exemplify some of those characteristics. Just the other day my co-worker was talking to me about women reporters covering the police beat. He said that generally there are two types of women reporters doing it successfully. One is the bats-their-eyes-and-flirts-acts-innocent-and-dumb type. The other is the acts-like-a-guy-trades-dirty-joke-for-dirty-joke type. Then he said, "you of course are the exception." I happily admit I think he is right. Somehow I have managed to get the respect and response out of the police agencies without acting dumb or acting like a guy.
So all that to say, I think I'm getting there. I want to be totally ME. I want to exude confidence and happiness and to feel both completely.
Starting slow
As much as I would like to say I had a perfect first day of my challenge it was anything but. I didn't get up on time, and I didn't write my pages in my book. So here I am practically starting from scratch tomorrow. I am optimistic though. This challenge *is* a challenge, and hopefully tomorrow is smoother. I am at peace though, I feel that things will work out as intended. The perfect job is coming to me. I can feel it. Here is my video without further ado. It is black and white on purpose, I am learning how to do video effects, so I'll be trying different tricks every day.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Figuring it out ---------- Day negative 1
Reaching my goals has never been an easy things. Recently I've rediscovered the things I'm passionate about and I have purchased the guidebook to the 100 Day Challenge.
I am very much excited about these concepts. I would love to have the opportunity to have a new job so to better accomplish these things, but I've decided not to include it as a goal, but rather as something I would like to manifest in my life, because it is not something I want to make a habit of, whereas the things on this list are habits I want to make a permanent part of my life.
I will be uploading vlogs on a regular basis which can be also viewed at my YouTube page. But I will also embed them here with commentary, so personally I think they'll be more fun to watch on here. Ultimately I think it would be fun to have a sort of "support group" of people doing this sort of challenge together, but that is something I think comes in time.
I welcome any encouragement or suggestions, but please keep the critiques out of the comment section and into e-mail. I have thought about this stuff and welcome genuine suggestions, but the critiques are maybe a little negative for the atmosphere I'd like to create. I plan to watch my own affirmations video regularly to remind myself what my goals are.
So here is my affirmations video and below my goals.
So I think I have my goals... yay
1. Lose 20 pounds. This will be accomplished by moving my body in some sort of exercise daily. Whether my stair stepper, pilates or a walk around the park, I will move every day.
2. Write 200 pages of a first-draft on my novel. This can be accomplished by writing two pages every day.
3. Have "me" time every day. This will be done by waking up a little earlier so to get to work on time to leave earlier.
4. Do one new thing every week.
5. Make new friends and build up existing friendships. To do this I will make an effort to do one social thing every week -- things that are unrelated to work in any way.
6. Keep organized my car, desk and home.
I am very much excited about these concepts. I would love to have the opportunity to have a new job so to better accomplish these things, but I've decided not to include it as a goal, but rather as something I would like to manifest in my life, because it is not something I want to make a habit of, whereas the things on this list are habits I want to make a permanent part of my life.
I will be uploading vlogs on a regular basis which can be also viewed at my YouTube page. But I will also embed them here with commentary, so personally I think they'll be more fun to watch on here. Ultimately I think it would be fun to have a sort of "support group" of people doing this sort of challenge together, but that is something I think comes in time.
I welcome any encouragement or suggestions, but please keep the critiques out of the comment section and into e-mail. I have thought about this stuff and welcome genuine suggestions, but the critiques are maybe a little negative for the atmosphere I'd like to create. I plan to watch my own affirmations video regularly to remind myself what my goals are.
So here is my affirmations video and below my goals.
So I think I have my goals... yay
1. Lose 20 pounds. This will be accomplished by moving my body in some sort of exercise daily. Whether my stair stepper, pilates or a walk around the park, I will move every day.
2. Write 200 pages of a first-draft on my novel. This can be accomplished by writing two pages every day.
3. Have "me" time every day. This will be done by waking up a little earlier so to get to work on time to leave earlier.
4. Do one new thing every week.
5. Make new friends and build up existing friendships. To do this I will make an effort to do one social thing every week -- things that are unrelated to work in any way.
6. Keep organized my car, desk and home.
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