Fate

Is playing a game with me I think. I am a long-time fan of Sex and the City. I went to the movie as soon as I could once it was out. While watching the series with the director commentary on (yes, I really did that) he once said that they were constantly trying to put a "pie in the face" to the girls on the show. Once the girls thought something was good... out came the pie. I sort of feel like God has been doing that to me for a while. Maybe people think that is sacrilegious or dramatic, but that is how I feel. I have this great interview set up today and there must have been some sort of power failure or something and my phone (which I use as my alarm) died in the middle of the night. So I'll be an hour and a half (at least) late to the interview. I am on the ferry right now so that is how I have time to type about all this. Honestly I am devastated though. It isn't that I wanted the job so bad, but it just feels like I am not me lately. I used to never be late to anything and now I constantly am. I also feel like I have been flailing. I am somewhat better on track with getting in shape and all that, but careerwise, love-life wise and in so many other areas of my life I'm lost. When I was in high school I loved a worship song that said "make me, break me for your will." well now I hate that I ever sang that. I have been begging God for a relief of the breaking for about 7 years now. My dad said "you have to have faith that all this is for the best." The problem is that I don't I have faith that there is any plan at all sometimes. I've been trying to think positively and draw the things I want most into my life, but I just feel stuck.

Sometimes I don't even know me anymore.