Friday, August 29, 2008
Miss me miss me....
hehe... I've been bad about posting but I've been sort of up and down. This week was terrible! I didn't make it out of the office in less than 12 hours a single day this week! *sigh* I don't know what to do. I'm so torn about this job situation. I want something more... but it is out of my reach what more is. I want to not be sad to go back to work. I have so many plans and I don't know which one will make me happy. too bad a coin toss won't work in life decisions. although I used to trick myself and use a coin toss and if I was disappointed at the outcome then I knew what I really wanted lol... unfortunately I kind of want to do EVERYTHING!! hehe... we'll see where all this goes... I'm motivated.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Catching up!
Ok... so one thing that the 100 Day Challenge book thing asks me to do every day (well for the first week...) is to write a "vision statement" so as I catch up and write about the days to catch my blog up to where I am now, I"ll put that day's portion of the vision statement in italics (and then I"ll probably put it in my about me... makes sense right?) Well anyhow it does ask to write in present tense as if the things I want are already true. It sounds a little awkward to me but oh well. :)
Aug. 16
I am so grateful that I can astutely express myself through words and that I consistently reach out to help others. I am so grateful to love my career which rewards me financially, psychologically and with plenty of personal time. I am so grateful that I am a successful writer who earns the respect of those versed in literature.
Physically I am 167 pounds, but healthier than I have been in years. I can't seem to break this 167 pound barrier these days. I think I've got to stop thinking that way. Maybe it is a mental barrier more than a physical one. I am proud of myself because even though I don't like my current job situation, I am supporting myself and being responsible. The other day I checked my credit and was shocked to find that it is actually fantastic. It made me feel a little better about taking a while to pay off my debt. Even though I'd rather have no debt, I guess steadily paying it off instead of sporadically doing so in large chunks is best because it results in great credit! I do think that there is a lot of clutter in my life, in my physical world as well as my mental. I'm surrounded by things that I don't actually need and yet I have a hard time letting go of them. I have a box of stuff for Goodwill that has sat by my door for 4 months now. I wonder what that says about me. Again although the job isn't great, this place is beautiful. There may not be many young people to hang out with, but it is amazingly beautiful when you drive down my street and then suddenly there is the harbor! Amazing!
Aug. 17
I am so grateful that I manage my wealth so well to have an abundant lifestyle, to give to to others and to have a secure, comfortable future. I am so grateful for everything that my wealth accomplishes for me and for others.
Hmmm this day I didn't write anything else in my book.
Aug. 18
I am created in the image of Elohim: the creator. Creativity is innate in my being and it brings me closer to God when I follow in those footsteps and create beautiful things through my words and actions.
Challenges in life:
Some of the challenging situations I have encountered... hmmm
1. Learning Portuguese. This I think was a challenge for me not only because of the obvious but because I'm such a perfectionist. I had a difficult time relaxing enough to make mistakes and be corrected. Although I' still uptight about that... I think I can be grateful for that experience because it taught me that sometimes you can't just automatically learn things. Sometimes you have to mess up to learn something new.
2. Although I hate it all the time (especially lately) I think my struggle to find someone special for my life has been important. I see so many people collapse their lives and personalities into the people they love and I know I would hate that if I did it. So I'm grateful that I have had the time to find myself, to decide who I am alone and to pursue the things I care about without having to sacrifice for a significant other.
3. Right now I'm not always grateful for it, but I think the fact that I struggle financially on a regular basis will be good for me someday. I think that because I'm managing to survive and even pay off debts on my tiny salary someday when I have more money available I will effectively live within my means and have an abundant life.
Aug. 19
I am so grateful for a handsome husband who understands, loves, adores and enjoys me. I am so grateful that we have adventures and quiet times.
Three people who push my buttons and why I should be grateful for them:
well I wrote about this but this is probably not the most appropriate place to talk about people who annoy me. hehe
Aug. 20
I am so grateful that I am forever learning and expanding my boundaries. I am grateful that my life and career are continually opening the doors of knowledge.
Aug. 21
I am am so grateful that I am fit and skinny and that I can easily enjoy and be happy with my body. I don't worry about health and fitness because I enjoy and crave things that are good for me.
Aug. 16
I am so grateful that I can astutely express myself through words and that I consistently reach out to help others. I am so grateful to love my career which rewards me financially, psychologically and with plenty of personal time. I am so grateful that I am a successful writer who earns the respect of those versed in literature.
Physically I am 167 pounds, but healthier than I have been in years. I can't seem to break this 167 pound barrier these days. I think I've got to stop thinking that way. Maybe it is a mental barrier more than a physical one. I am proud of myself because even though I don't like my current job situation, I am supporting myself and being responsible. The other day I checked my credit and was shocked to find that it is actually fantastic. It made me feel a little better about taking a while to pay off my debt. Even though I'd rather have no debt, I guess steadily paying it off instead of sporadically doing so in large chunks is best because it results in great credit! I do think that there is a lot of clutter in my life, in my physical world as well as my mental. I'm surrounded by things that I don't actually need and yet I have a hard time letting go of them. I have a box of stuff for Goodwill that has sat by my door for 4 months now. I wonder what that says about me. Again although the job isn't great, this place is beautiful. There may not be many young people to hang out with, but it is amazingly beautiful when you drive down my street and then suddenly there is the harbor! Amazing!
Aug. 17
I am so grateful that I manage my wealth so well to have an abundant lifestyle, to give to to others and to have a secure, comfortable future. I am so grateful for everything that my wealth accomplishes for me and for others.
Hmmm this day I didn't write anything else in my book.
Aug. 18
I am created in the image of Elohim: the creator. Creativity is innate in my being and it brings me closer to God when I follow in those footsteps and create beautiful things through my words and actions.
Challenges in life:
Some of the challenging situations I have encountered... hmmm
1. Learning Portuguese. This I think was a challenge for me not only because of the obvious but because I'm such a perfectionist. I had a difficult time relaxing enough to make mistakes and be corrected. Although I' still uptight about that... I think I can be grateful for that experience because it taught me that sometimes you can't just automatically learn things. Sometimes you have to mess up to learn something new.
2. Although I hate it all the time (especially lately) I think my struggle to find someone special for my life has been important. I see so many people collapse their lives and personalities into the people they love and I know I would hate that if I did it. So I'm grateful that I have had the time to find myself, to decide who I am alone and to pursue the things I care about without having to sacrifice for a significant other.
3. Right now I'm not always grateful for it, but I think the fact that I struggle financially on a regular basis will be good for me someday. I think that because I'm managing to survive and even pay off debts on my tiny salary someday when I have more money available I will effectively live within my means and have an abundant life.
Aug. 19
I am so grateful for a handsome husband who understands, loves, adores and enjoys me. I am so grateful that we have adventures and quiet times.
Three people who push my buttons and why I should be grateful for them:
well I wrote about this but this is probably not the most appropriate place to talk about people who annoy me. hehe
Aug. 20
I am so grateful that I am forever learning and expanding my boundaries. I am grateful that my life and career are continually opening the doors of knowledge.
Aug. 21
I am am so grateful that I am fit and skinny and that I can easily enjoy and be happy with my body. I don't worry about health and fitness because I enjoy and crave things that are good for me.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Busy bee
Staying super busy here! I have been working like crazy of course... nothing new there. On the other hand I've been feeling pretty down the past few days. I wish I knew how to make myself not depressed... but I don't.
Well contrary to my last two posts I'm gonna end there. I'm contemplative and just want to curl up in bed with a good book :) you know me.
talk to you guys later!!
Well contrary to my last two posts I'm gonna end there. I'm contemplative and just want to curl up in bed with a good book :) you know me.
talk to you guys later!!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Organization
Ah, Organization. Not my favorite word in the world. I am going to attempt to organize my room and my car today. I was going to do the whole house, but I think I need to take tiny bites. I'm going to rearrange my room while I'm at it too. :) I think I can get it to where I have a little more space in my cramped room while also cleaning. Before I do anything I'm going to go the gym. I don't usually go in the morning, but today I feel that if I don't I won't go at all. I am starting to see some results in my calves and arms so that is thrilling :) even though I haven't started to see dramatic scale results. I talked to both my trainer and to my doctor and both of them said it can take a couple months to see results on the scales especially since I was basically going from sedentary to active.
I bought my dress/tickets for Sarah's wedding in November!! I'm so excited to see everyone. Hopefully by then I have some sort of direction. I have a roommate... I might not have said that on here before... but anyway she is considering finding a new job. It really is a miserable situation here at work, so I can't blame her although I'll miss the financial help if she moves. Maybe after the gym I'll go to the library. I have a book craving and I don't want to spend more money. :P hehe.
One thing my life coach suggested for this week is to get into contact or at least attempt to contact a few authors who can talk to me about the publishing world. She suggested I read a book "Secrets of Six-Figure Women," which I read yesterday. The book is great and we'll see how I can see if I can make some of the "secrets" work for me. But, anyhow, the book is written by a local woman. She's really quite famous, but she lives right around here. So anyway, I'll see if I can get in contact with her as well. The writer is a former journalist, so I'm sure she sees where I'm coming from.
About a month ago I bought a GRE test prep and have installed it now, so all I need to do is take the diagnostic test and see where I stand. :P I hate these things. It has been 3 years since I was in school. That is so hard to believe. If I do decide to go back to grad school it will sure be an adjustment. I thought at first that I could maybe stay in this job and do grad school online if I did the library thing, and then if I did the English thing move to Bellingham, but I just don't know. It is all so scary!! I am not worried about the school part. It will be hard and take diligence and a lot of work... more than I ever did in college. It is more the finances and logistical thing that scares me. What if I spend thousands of dollars on school and find out that I hate that as well? How do I know that I'll like it? How does anyone?
My life coach made a good point the other day. She said, "So you want both financial security, and fulfillment from your job?" I hadn't considered that there are people who don't want or at least don't prioritize both. I do want both. The longer I'm single the more I wonder if I'll ever have a man that loves me. It isn't that I'm in despair or anything over that, but it is so extremely rare to find a guy that I have actual sparks with. I mean there are ones that I find extraordinarily handsome and there are those that I have a crush on their personalities, but it is so rare to have a real connection. Maybe only once or twice in my life. Even those I liked for a long time I got bored around if I were to be honest with myself. I mean, I'm nearly 26 years old and have had one boyfriend. Not that that is a bad thing, but really since we broke up four years ago I have been asked out only once. There must be something about me that sends the wrong signals or that doesn't attract guys to ask me out, because even though I don't do the bar hopping thing I have met a few eligible guys. *sigh* I never imagined at 6 years old watching Disney movies that it would be this complicated 20 years later. :(
On the writing side of things, I have a little project that I'd like to spend some time with instead of my book. I think it is publishable, and although my bosses won't publish it, I have gotten permission to publish it elsewhere, albeit under a nom de plume so you'll understand if I don't elaborate on what the project is. Today I'll work on research and then I think the next few days I can work on writing it.
Alright well I'll quit with the rambling!!
Today is day one of my 100 Day Challenge(by the way totals will always reflect a TOTAL not just for that day):
I have lost 2 pounds
I have written 1 page
I have saved a little bit
I bought my dress/tickets for Sarah's wedding in November!! I'm so excited to see everyone. Hopefully by then I have some sort of direction. I have a roommate... I might not have said that on here before... but anyway she is considering finding a new job. It really is a miserable situation here at work, so I can't blame her although I'll miss the financial help if she moves. Maybe after the gym I'll go to the library. I have a book craving and I don't want to spend more money. :P hehe.
One thing my life coach suggested for this week is to get into contact or at least attempt to contact a few authors who can talk to me about the publishing world. She suggested I read a book "Secrets of Six-Figure Women," which I read yesterday. The book is great and we'll see how I can see if I can make some of the "secrets" work for me. But, anyhow, the book is written by a local woman. She's really quite famous, but she lives right around here. So anyway, I'll see if I can get in contact with her as well. The writer is a former journalist, so I'm sure she sees where I'm coming from.
About a month ago I bought a GRE test prep and have installed it now, so all I need to do is take the diagnostic test and see where I stand. :P I hate these things. It has been 3 years since I was in school. That is so hard to believe. If I do decide to go back to grad school it will sure be an adjustment. I thought at first that I could maybe stay in this job and do grad school online if I did the library thing, and then if I did the English thing move to Bellingham, but I just don't know. It is all so scary!! I am not worried about the school part. It will be hard and take diligence and a lot of work... more than I ever did in college. It is more the finances and logistical thing that scares me. What if I spend thousands of dollars on school and find out that I hate that as well? How do I know that I'll like it? How does anyone?
My life coach made a good point the other day. She said, "So you want both financial security, and fulfillment from your job?" I hadn't considered that there are people who don't want or at least don't prioritize both. I do want both. The longer I'm single the more I wonder if I'll ever have a man that loves me. It isn't that I'm in despair or anything over that, but it is so extremely rare to find a guy that I have actual sparks with. I mean there are ones that I find extraordinarily handsome and there are those that I have a crush on their personalities, but it is so rare to have a real connection. Maybe only once or twice in my life. Even those I liked for a long time I got bored around if I were to be honest with myself. I mean, I'm nearly 26 years old and have had one boyfriend. Not that that is a bad thing, but really since we broke up four years ago I have been asked out only once. There must be something about me that sends the wrong signals or that doesn't attract guys to ask me out, because even though I don't do the bar hopping thing I have met a few eligible guys. *sigh* I never imagined at 6 years old watching Disney movies that it would be this complicated 20 years later. :(
On the writing side of things, I have a little project that I'd like to spend some time with instead of my book. I think it is publishable, and although my bosses won't publish it, I have gotten permission to publish it elsewhere, albeit under a nom de plume so you'll understand if I don't elaborate on what the project is. Today I'll work on research and then I think the next few days I can work on writing it.
Alright well I'll quit with the rambling!!
Today is day one of my 100 Day Challenge(by the way totals will always reflect a TOTAL not just for that day):
I have lost 2 pounds
I have written 1 page
I have saved a little bit
Friday, August 15, 2008
Goooooooaaaaaaaalllllllls
skip the lists if you like I'll intersperse real stuff in between :) real revelations for me going on! :) hehe
hehe.... so that is how they would announce a goal in Brazil (ok, ok I know they mean a soccer goal but still...)
Here are my goals for the 100 Day Challenge. Yes I realize I'm, um, behind but I'll start tomorrow and go from there.
Goals
90 day goals
1. Research potential career opportunities. I have no clue what to do with myself.
2. Work on health. Cook meals at home more often and workout.
3. Fix my budget system.
4. Take the GRE in case I do decide on graduate school.
5. Organize my house, car and desk.
1 year goals
1. Move in a direction toward a better career path (whether that is in more training/grad school or to an actual new job.)
2. Pay off at least half of my debt while also keeping some in savings.
3. Lose some weight. (how much???)
4. Make some friends locally, go on some dates.
5-10 year goals
1. Have a home (whether a long term rental situation or on my way to buying a place at least)
2. A fulfilling career that pays a sufficient salary.
3. Have finished (writing) a book.
4. Be ready to be or be in a long term relationship
I thought long and hard about these, and I'm fairly satisfied. I'm using my 90 day goals as my 100 Day Challenge goals as these are the ones I set for my life coach to keep me accountable for. (I figure the 10 days extra is a moot point!)
So here are things that I've learned so far:
I am an INFJ personality type which means an introvert, intuitive, feeler, judger. I have to say all of it was pretty clear except for the difference between F and T -- Feeler and Thinker, respectively -- that one was split about 60/40 on the test. The book that I bought had suggestions on jobs that might be good for my personality type.
Here was my list:
I get the feeling that some of my family and my friends are starting to get annoyed with my lack of direction, but no decision in my life has been easy for me. I cried and worried for months and months before (rather randomly) selecting Midwestern as my school of choice. I'm thrilled that I did, but I have to say that nothing fell into place for me. I was miserable most of college. And since graduation I've endured depression like I never experienced before. I was out of it for a while, but I'm starting to feel like I'm sinking back in. I try and avoid it by filling my days with activities to distract me from the fact that every time I'm alone I just break down in tears. So hopefully I can keep myself distracted long enough for my body or soul or spirit or whatever is depressed to get to a better place.
I think I'm finally on a good path, one that will lead to fulfillment. I have to say I'm a little mad at God sometimes. I always used to think that was ridiculous because God is all-knowing etc. Everything is for the best, I used to believe. But I have been so faithful my whole life. I really earnestly want to do the right thing. WHY WON'T GOD TELL ME WHAT THAT IS?????? So I basically think there isn't a plan anymore... maybe a general direction but not a blueprint for my life. I think he might have the type of guy he wants me to pick for a husband but I don't believe there is "someone out there for me" -- I don't believe that anymore anyway. I guess I like the idea of soulmates, but I just don't think it is true for everyone. But all in all perhaps disillusionment is a good thing. It means that I'm taking control of my life. It means that I'm figuring out what I really want. I want to be happy. I used to believe that God wanted our holiness more than our happiness. But I'm tired of being miserable. I cannot function and be holy without hapiness. I need to feel elation for once in my life. I want to be in love. I need to feel fulfilled.
Maybe I sound like a bitter person now, but that is where I am. Perhaps things will change as I go through this journey. I have struggled with these beliefs more than anyone can imagine, though. I believe big things are in store for my life. I believe that I will make it. It is time that I put myself first for once and really worked on who I am. I'm not sure that I know.
This is day negative one of my challenge:
I have lost 0 pounds
I have written 0 pages of my book
I have saved a little bit in my savings
hehe.... so that is how they would announce a goal in Brazil (ok, ok I know they mean a soccer goal but still...)
Here are my goals for the 100 Day Challenge. Yes I realize I'm, um, behind but I'll start tomorrow and go from there.
Goals
90 day goals
1. Research potential career opportunities. I have no clue what to do with myself.
2. Work on health. Cook meals at home more often and workout.
3. Fix my budget system.
4. Take the GRE in case I do decide on graduate school.
5. Organize my house, car and desk.
1 year goals
1. Move in a direction toward a better career path (whether that is in more training/grad school or to an actual new job.)
2. Pay off at least half of my debt while also keeping some in savings.
3. Lose some weight. (how much???)
4. Make some friends locally, go on some dates.
5-10 year goals
1. Have a home (whether a long term rental situation or on my way to buying a place at least)
2. A fulfilling career that pays a sufficient salary.
3. Have finished (writing) a book.
4. Be ready to be or be in a long term relationship
I thought long and hard about these, and I'm fairly satisfied. I'm using my 90 day goals as my 100 Day Challenge goals as these are the ones I set for my life coach to keep me accountable for. (I figure the 10 days extra is a moot point!)
So here are things that I've learned so far:
I am an INFJ personality type which means an introvert, intuitive, feeler, judger. I have to say all of it was pretty clear except for the difference between F and T -- Feeler and Thinker, respectively -- that one was split about 60/40 on the test. The book that I bought had suggestions on jobs that might be good for my personality type.
Here was my list:
- Career counselor
- Psychologist
- Professor (English)
- Educational consultant
- Librarian
- Bilingual education teacher
- Museum research worker
- Religious worker
- Novelist
- Freelance media planner
- Genealogist
- Desktop publisher
- Web site editor
- Legal mediator
- Interpretor/translator
- Literary agent
- Human resources manager
- Executive coach
I get the feeling that some of my family and my friends are starting to get annoyed with my lack of direction, but no decision in my life has been easy for me. I cried and worried for months and months before (rather randomly) selecting Midwestern as my school of choice. I'm thrilled that I did, but I have to say that nothing fell into place for me. I was miserable most of college. And since graduation I've endured depression like I never experienced before. I was out of it for a while, but I'm starting to feel like I'm sinking back in. I try and avoid it by filling my days with activities to distract me from the fact that every time I'm alone I just break down in tears. So hopefully I can keep myself distracted long enough for my body or soul or spirit or whatever is depressed to get to a better place.
I think I'm finally on a good path, one that will lead to fulfillment. I have to say I'm a little mad at God sometimes. I always used to think that was ridiculous because God is all-knowing etc. Everything is for the best, I used to believe. But I have been so faithful my whole life. I really earnestly want to do the right thing. WHY WON'T GOD TELL ME WHAT THAT IS?????? So I basically think there isn't a plan anymore... maybe a general direction but not a blueprint for my life. I think he might have the type of guy he wants me to pick for a husband but I don't believe there is "someone out there for me" -- I don't believe that anymore anyway. I guess I like the idea of soulmates, but I just don't think it is true for everyone. But all in all perhaps disillusionment is a good thing. It means that I'm taking control of my life. It means that I'm figuring out what I really want. I want to be happy. I used to believe that God wanted our holiness more than our happiness. But I'm tired of being miserable. I cannot function and be holy without hapiness. I need to feel elation for once in my life. I want to be in love. I need to feel fulfilled.
Maybe I sound like a bitter person now, but that is where I am. Perhaps things will change as I go through this journey. I have struggled with these beliefs more than anyone can imagine, though. I believe big things are in store for my life. I believe that I will make it. It is time that I put myself first for once and really worked on who I am. I'm not sure that I know.
This is day negative one of my challenge:
I have lost 0 pounds
I have written 0 pages of my book
I have saved a little bit in my savings
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Ah, Bliss.
Working out is actually a lot more fun than I thought it would be. It has been a welcome distraction from my recent boy troubles, and a wonderful way to get rid of stress from work. Today I went to the doctor and he seemed unconcerned that I hadn't lost any weight in 6 weeks of working out. He said it can sometimes take a few months, and then once metabolism begins to change I should start losing weight. :P not what I wanted to hear, but oh well. At least it doesn't seem anything is wrong.
Tomorrow is my appointment with the life coach. I'm really looking forward to it. I think she can be a huge help with finding what I want to do.
We had a work meeting today and got a small lecture about turning things in earlier. I think that it actually was a good thing. I'll work very hard to turn things in early and get out early. I think one conversation I was contemplating with my boss is resolved. I was going to talk to her about how this schedule is awful. Well if she wants us to turn in stuff earlier then I will... and I will leave earlier. She tried to make us feel bad for her but I don't really. A lot of the issues are created by the environment and some by her, so if she is going to change that great... if not then oh well, not my fault.
I'll post again later or maybe tomorrow my goals for the 100 days coming. For my life coach I also had to come up with goals for the next year and the next 5-10 years so I'll post those too. We'll see where we go.
This is day zero of my challenge. So far I have lost 0 pounds and written 0 pages of my own work.
Tomorrow is my appointment with the life coach. I'm really looking forward to it. I think she can be a huge help with finding what I want to do.
We had a work meeting today and got a small lecture about turning things in earlier. I think that it actually was a good thing. I'll work very hard to turn things in early and get out early. I think one conversation I was contemplating with my boss is resolved. I was going to talk to her about how this schedule is awful. Well if she wants us to turn in stuff earlier then I will... and I will leave earlier. She tried to make us feel bad for her but I don't really. A lot of the issues are created by the environment and some by her, so if she is going to change that great... if not then oh well, not my fault.
I'll post again later or maybe tomorrow my goals for the 100 days coming. For my life coach I also had to come up with goals for the next year and the next 5-10 years so I'll post those too. We'll see where we go.
This is day zero of my challenge. So far I have lost 0 pounds and written 0 pages of my own work.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
As much as things change....
.... they still stay the same.
My, my life is changing ever so swiftly and yet outwardly everything is the same. I will begin a new 100 day challenge starting tomorrow -- Monday, August 11 to end on November 11 or thereabouts.
Good things are happening. I'm taking control of my life, finances, schedule, body and future, so those things are good.
On the other hand... I feel aimless still and am starting to feel a little depressed. I feel purposeless and I'm annoyed at everything. Small things from just about everyone in my life irk me unreasonably and I don't know how to stop it. What happened to the me that was so at peace?
My, my life is changing ever so swiftly and yet outwardly everything is the same. I will begin a new 100 day challenge starting tomorrow -- Monday, August 11 to end on November 11 or thereabouts.
Good things are happening. I'm taking control of my life, finances, schedule, body and future, so those things are good.
On the other hand... I feel aimless still and am starting to feel a little depressed. I feel purposeless and I'm annoyed at everything. Small things from just about everyone in my life irk me unreasonably and I don't know how to stop it. What happened to the me that was so at peace?
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