I'm not sad today, but perhaps a little listless.
I kind of feel like I'm just waiting and waiting. I WANT to go out and seize the desires of my heart. But how?
Job, boys, happiness, excitement . . . not sure where all that is hiding. I'm bored out of my mind half the time and the other half I am busy with boring things! Where is the excitement of life?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Starting Anew
So, my last 100 Day Challenge ended about a week and a half ago or so. I accomplished much, if not all of my goals. I noticed that I dealt with minor hiccups very well. Working late, change of schedule, even trips did not phase me. When something big happened, though, it derailed me completely. When Mark was gone, I lost focus so completely. I guess I don't deal with grief and my own depression so well. I am hoping I can begin anew, but I feel like I am starting over in so many ways. So what goals do I pick without sounding repetitive?
1. Work out enough to be able to run comfortably for my predetermined goal of X miles.
2. Develop outline for my novel. Now that I have a solid grasp for where it is going, I think an outline is in order.
3. Research and determine which jobs would be feasible for me to do with my current degree, then start applying, of course! Also research freelancing opportunities.
4. Go through clothes and other stuff and give to Goodwill what I don't need.
ok I think that is good. I reserve the right to change or alter them as I go. I am tired out so to bed I go. More tomorrow!
1. Work out enough to be able to run comfortably for my predetermined goal of X miles.
2. Develop outline for my novel. Now that I have a solid grasp for where it is going, I think an outline is in order.
3. Research and determine which jobs would be feasible for me to do with my current degree, then start applying, of course! Also research freelancing opportunities.
4. Go through clothes and other stuff and give to Goodwill what I don't need.
ok I think that is good. I reserve the right to change or alter them as I go. I am tired out so to bed I go. More tomorrow!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Winter
I think it is finally winter. In TRUE Northwestern fashion the snow fell today in wet lumps which immediately dissolved into puddles on the ground. I am pensive of late. Not exactly sad but not exactly happy. I feel so contradictory! I finished my 100 day challenge and succeeded and failed at once. I will start anew on Sunday. I have no idea what my goals are yet, which is why I will not be starting tomorrow. I keep hoping I will be more perseverant about posting Vlogs and Blogs, but I'm resigned to a few here and there if that is what my sanity requires. Lately I feel like I have been doing well connecting to friends. Book club, my roommate, and many others are all connections that I made in my first 100 day challenge.
And yet sometimes I feel lonely. There is a part of me that really wishes for a boyfriend. It is strange to me because for so long I was so resistant to wanting a boyfriend. In high school I insisted that I wanted to "court" and not date. In college I insisted I was too independent. Yet here I am at 26, feeling like a 13 year old. Gosh, that was half my lifetime ago.
Today I read a book called "The Mermaid Chair." It is so beautiful! It leaves me feeling jealous that my words don't invoke the same kind of emotion as Sue Monk Kidd's. Maybe with practice. Lots of practice. And lots of editing. Anyhow, in the book there is the reccuring number of 17. Everything seems to happen on the 17th of different months. It always makes me think and boggle my own mind with number games of my life, what things happened when and the strange coincidences those numbers have with each other.
Ah well it is time for me to drift into dreamland -- hopefully where I will recover from whatever illness I am fighting. If anyone still reads this I hope you are doing beautifully today.
And yet sometimes I feel lonely. There is a part of me that really wishes for a boyfriend. It is strange to me because for so long I was so resistant to wanting a boyfriend. In high school I insisted that I wanted to "court" and not date. In college I insisted I was too independent. Yet here I am at 26, feeling like a 13 year old. Gosh, that was half my lifetime ago.
Today I read a book called "The Mermaid Chair." It is so beautiful! It leaves me feeling jealous that my words don't invoke the same kind of emotion as Sue Monk Kidd's. Maybe with practice. Lots of practice. And lots of editing. Anyhow, in the book there is the reccuring number of 17. Everything seems to happen on the 17th of different months. It always makes me think and boggle my own mind with number games of my life, what things happened when and the strange coincidences those numbers have with each other.
Ah well it is time for me to drift into dreamland -- hopefully where I will recover from whatever illness I am fighting. If anyone still reads this I hope you are doing beautifully today.
Friday, November 21, 2008
V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N
I love vacations. This one was kind of tiring though because of so much running around! It is also a little weird to go home and see old friends and family because it always makes me realize how much I've changed. I feel like I"m slowly finding out I'm nothing like the person I thought I was. and at this point in my life I'm a mess of contradictions. Confused and confident, tired and energized and of course the list goes on. I find myself more and more wanting to just sleep the days away. I have so many plans for each weekend for the next month or so that I think it will keep me from doing that. I also need to get back to my workout routine. It always gets messed up while on vacation.
I'm still looking for what I need to do when I grow up. Several of my friends from the Amarillo Globe News were laid off this week and another former co-worker formerly of the PDN was laid off a couple weeks ago. It is one more push that I need to get a different career. Newspapers are dying it seems. So much for my optimism.
Give me your opinions on this idea of me being a librarian. Are libraries going to suffer the same way newspapers are in the next few decades? Will I be in teh same situation in 10 years if I change to do that? does that job even suit me? Sometimes friends know better than you do.
Let me know!
I'm still looking for what I need to do when I grow up. Several of my friends from the Amarillo Globe News were laid off this week and another former co-worker formerly of the PDN was laid off a couple weeks ago. It is one more push that I need to get a different career. Newspapers are dying it seems. So much for my optimism.
Give me your opinions on this idea of me being a librarian. Are libraries going to suffer the same way newspapers are in the next few decades? Will I be in teh same situation in 10 years if I change to do that? does that job even suit me? Sometimes friends know better than you do.
Let me know!
Monday, October 13, 2008
devastation
Ah how all this life is so weird. Here I was going along worrying about my job and bills and the petty things that annoy me on a daily basis and one of my best friends from high school died today.
Mark -- or Higgy, as most people called him -- was one of the best guys I knew in high school. I was proud to call him my friend and hope he saw me as the same. Gentlemanly and kind I was always happy to be around him. Twice our lockers were next to each other. In senior English in Mrs. P's class I loved the days when we'd have group assignments because Mark and I would usually be in a group and sometimes David would come in from Art class. Those days have always been precious to me but now I really wish I could lock them in a box so I never forget. I wish my memory were less fragile.
(Thanks to Louie for the great picture taken at my sister's 17th birthday)
Most of all, though, I remember times at Stomping Grounds. Times just hanging out and talking about nothing. Times where we would all bear our souls. The time we had the church lock-in there and Mark taught me to play poker -- and I beat everyone including him. I remember the dozens and dozens of letters he wrote me in response to mine once he joined the military. The visits we had when he was on leave. And all of it is not enough. I had only talked to Mark off and on for the past couple of years. We kept up with each other through facebook and random IMs and once or twice a phone call.
And now? And now he is gone. I don't know any details of what happened or when the funeral services will be, it is surreal to be thinking of such things. Not Mark. Surely not.
A little part of me feels like the grief, the ache in my stomach and the tears that feel compelled to stream constantly from my eyes are selfish. What of those who losses were greater? His family and those he loved every day?
What will we do without Mark? The world spins and I'm left wondering all these questions which are so cliche. I often feel as if life is too short to live the way I do. Worrying and stressing about small things. And the loss of someone important devastates in a way that I can't explain. There is a third of me that wants to throw myself into my daily routine to forget, another third that wants to go to bed and not get out and the last wants to throw caution to the wind and go after what I want.
But then that would make this about me and that feels selfish too. But what else are you supposed to do when you lose someone dear to you? Someone who changed you in a million small ways, but probably never knew it? So I guess the only way to honor that person is to make sure to live your own life in the best way possible. To do the things that we all say we will but never actually do. It feels like an empty way to honor Mark. It is not enough. But it is all that I can do. Finances and my job will prevent me from going to the funeral, but I will likely spend my time writing about him. scanning my brain for memories. Do any of you know him? Miss him? Have a good memory?
Mark -- or Higgy, as most people called him -- was one of the best guys I knew in high school. I was proud to call him my friend and hope he saw me as the same. Gentlemanly and kind I was always happy to be around him. Twice our lockers were next to each other. In senior English in Mrs. P's class I loved the days when we'd have group assignments because Mark and I would usually be in a group and sometimes David would come in from Art class. Those days have always been precious to me but now I really wish I could lock them in a box so I never forget. I wish my memory were less fragile.
(Thanks to Louie for the great picture taken at my sister's 17th birthday)
Most of all, though, I remember times at Stomping Grounds. Times just hanging out and talking about nothing. Times where we would all bear our souls. The time we had the church lock-in there and Mark taught me to play poker -- and I beat everyone including him. I remember the dozens and dozens of letters he wrote me in response to mine once he joined the military. The visits we had when he was on leave. And all of it is not enough. I had only talked to Mark off and on for the past couple of years. We kept up with each other through facebook and random IMs and once or twice a phone call.
And now? And now he is gone. I don't know any details of what happened or when the funeral services will be, it is surreal to be thinking of such things. Not Mark. Surely not.
A little part of me feels like the grief, the ache in my stomach and the tears that feel compelled to stream constantly from my eyes are selfish. What of those who losses were greater? His family and those he loved every day?
What will we do without Mark? The world spins and I'm left wondering all these questions which are so cliche. I often feel as if life is too short to live the way I do. Worrying and stressing about small things. And the loss of someone important devastates in a way that I can't explain. There is a third of me that wants to throw myself into my daily routine to forget, another third that wants to go to bed and not get out and the last wants to throw caution to the wind and go after what I want.
But then that would make this about me and that feels selfish too. But what else are you supposed to do when you lose someone dear to you? Someone who changed you in a million small ways, but probably never knew it? So I guess the only way to honor that person is to make sure to live your own life in the best way possible. To do the things that we all say we will but never actually do. It feels like an empty way to honor Mark. It is not enough. But it is all that I can do. Finances and my job will prevent me from going to the funeral, but I will likely spend my time writing about him. scanning my brain for memories. Do any of you know him? Miss him? Have a good memory?
Friday, August 29, 2008
Miss me miss me....
hehe... I've been bad about posting but I've been sort of up and down. This week was terrible! I didn't make it out of the office in less than 12 hours a single day this week! *sigh* I don't know what to do. I'm so torn about this job situation. I want something more... but it is out of my reach what more is. I want to not be sad to go back to work. I have so many plans and I don't know which one will make me happy. too bad a coin toss won't work in life decisions. although I used to trick myself and use a coin toss and if I was disappointed at the outcome then I knew what I really wanted lol... unfortunately I kind of want to do EVERYTHING!! hehe... we'll see where all this goes... I'm motivated.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Catching up!
Ok... so one thing that the 100 Day Challenge book thing asks me to do every day (well for the first week...) is to write a "vision statement" so as I catch up and write about the days to catch my blog up to where I am now, I"ll put that day's portion of the vision statement in italics (and then I"ll probably put it in my about me... makes sense right?) Well anyhow it does ask to write in present tense as if the things I want are already true. It sounds a little awkward to me but oh well. :)
Aug. 16
I am so grateful that I can astutely express myself through words and that I consistently reach out to help others. I am so grateful to love my career which rewards me financially, psychologically and with plenty of personal time. I am so grateful that I am a successful writer who earns the respect of those versed in literature.
Physically I am 167 pounds, but healthier than I have been in years. I can't seem to break this 167 pound barrier these days. I think I've got to stop thinking that way. Maybe it is a mental barrier more than a physical one. I am proud of myself because even though I don't like my current job situation, I am supporting myself and being responsible. The other day I checked my credit and was shocked to find that it is actually fantastic. It made me feel a little better about taking a while to pay off my debt. Even though I'd rather have no debt, I guess steadily paying it off instead of sporadically doing so in large chunks is best because it results in great credit! I do think that there is a lot of clutter in my life, in my physical world as well as my mental. I'm surrounded by things that I don't actually need and yet I have a hard time letting go of them. I have a box of stuff for Goodwill that has sat by my door for 4 months now. I wonder what that says about me. Again although the job isn't great, this place is beautiful. There may not be many young people to hang out with, but it is amazingly beautiful when you drive down my street and then suddenly there is the harbor! Amazing!
Aug. 17
I am so grateful that I manage my wealth so well to have an abundant lifestyle, to give to to others and to have a secure, comfortable future. I am so grateful for everything that my wealth accomplishes for me and for others.
Hmmm this day I didn't write anything else in my book.
Aug. 18
I am created in the image of Elohim: the creator. Creativity is innate in my being and it brings me closer to God when I follow in those footsteps and create beautiful things through my words and actions.
Challenges in life:
Some of the challenging situations I have encountered... hmmm
1. Learning Portuguese. This I think was a challenge for me not only because of the obvious but because I'm such a perfectionist. I had a difficult time relaxing enough to make mistakes and be corrected. Although I' still uptight about that... I think I can be grateful for that experience because it taught me that sometimes you can't just automatically learn things. Sometimes you have to mess up to learn something new.
2. Although I hate it all the time (especially lately) I think my struggle to find someone special for my life has been important. I see so many people collapse their lives and personalities into the people they love and I know I would hate that if I did it. So I'm grateful that I have had the time to find myself, to decide who I am alone and to pursue the things I care about without having to sacrifice for a significant other.
3. Right now I'm not always grateful for it, but I think the fact that I struggle financially on a regular basis will be good for me someday. I think that because I'm managing to survive and even pay off debts on my tiny salary someday when I have more money available I will effectively live within my means and have an abundant life.
Aug. 19
I am so grateful for a handsome husband who understands, loves, adores and enjoys me. I am so grateful that we have adventures and quiet times.
Three people who push my buttons and why I should be grateful for them:
well I wrote about this but this is probably not the most appropriate place to talk about people who annoy me. hehe
Aug. 20
I am so grateful that I am forever learning and expanding my boundaries. I am grateful that my life and career are continually opening the doors of knowledge.
Aug. 21
I am am so grateful that I am fit and skinny and that I can easily enjoy and be happy with my body. I don't worry about health and fitness because I enjoy and crave things that are good for me.
Aug. 16
I am so grateful that I can astutely express myself through words and that I consistently reach out to help others. I am so grateful to love my career which rewards me financially, psychologically and with plenty of personal time. I am so grateful that I am a successful writer who earns the respect of those versed in literature.
Physically I am 167 pounds, but healthier than I have been in years. I can't seem to break this 167 pound barrier these days. I think I've got to stop thinking that way. Maybe it is a mental barrier more than a physical one. I am proud of myself because even though I don't like my current job situation, I am supporting myself and being responsible. The other day I checked my credit and was shocked to find that it is actually fantastic. It made me feel a little better about taking a while to pay off my debt. Even though I'd rather have no debt, I guess steadily paying it off instead of sporadically doing so in large chunks is best because it results in great credit! I do think that there is a lot of clutter in my life, in my physical world as well as my mental. I'm surrounded by things that I don't actually need and yet I have a hard time letting go of them. I have a box of stuff for Goodwill that has sat by my door for 4 months now. I wonder what that says about me. Again although the job isn't great, this place is beautiful. There may not be many young people to hang out with, but it is amazingly beautiful when you drive down my street and then suddenly there is the harbor! Amazing!
Aug. 17
I am so grateful that I manage my wealth so well to have an abundant lifestyle, to give to to others and to have a secure, comfortable future. I am so grateful for everything that my wealth accomplishes for me and for others.
Hmmm this day I didn't write anything else in my book.
Aug. 18
I am created in the image of Elohim: the creator. Creativity is innate in my being and it brings me closer to God when I follow in those footsteps and create beautiful things through my words and actions.
Challenges in life:
Some of the challenging situations I have encountered... hmmm
1. Learning Portuguese. This I think was a challenge for me not only because of the obvious but because I'm such a perfectionist. I had a difficult time relaxing enough to make mistakes and be corrected. Although I' still uptight about that... I think I can be grateful for that experience because it taught me that sometimes you can't just automatically learn things. Sometimes you have to mess up to learn something new.
2. Although I hate it all the time (especially lately) I think my struggle to find someone special for my life has been important. I see so many people collapse their lives and personalities into the people they love and I know I would hate that if I did it. So I'm grateful that I have had the time to find myself, to decide who I am alone and to pursue the things I care about without having to sacrifice for a significant other.
3. Right now I'm not always grateful for it, but I think the fact that I struggle financially on a regular basis will be good for me someday. I think that because I'm managing to survive and even pay off debts on my tiny salary someday when I have more money available I will effectively live within my means and have an abundant life.
Aug. 19
I am so grateful for a handsome husband who understands, loves, adores and enjoys me. I am so grateful that we have adventures and quiet times.
Three people who push my buttons and why I should be grateful for them:
well I wrote about this but this is probably not the most appropriate place to talk about people who annoy me. hehe
Aug. 20
I am so grateful that I am forever learning and expanding my boundaries. I am grateful that my life and career are continually opening the doors of knowledge.
Aug. 21
I am am so grateful that I am fit and skinny and that I can easily enjoy and be happy with my body. I don't worry about health and fitness because I enjoy and crave things that are good for me.
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