Is playing a game with me I think. I am a long-time fan of Sex and the City. I went to the movie as soon as I could once it was out. While watching the series with the director commentary on (yes, I really did that) he once said that they were constantly trying to put a "pie in the face" to the girls on the show. Once the girls thought something was good... out came the pie. I sort of feel like God has been doing that to me for a while. Maybe people think that is sacrilegious or dramatic, but that is how I feel. I have this great interview set up today and there must have been some sort of power failure or something and my phone (which I use as my alarm) died in the middle of the night. So I'll be an hour and a half (at least) late to the interview. I am on the ferry right now so that is how I have time to type about all this. Honestly I am devastated though. It isn't that I wanted the job so bad, but it just feels like I am not me lately. I used to never be late to anything and now I constantly am. I also feel like I have been flailing. I am somewhat better on track with getting in shape and all that, but careerwise, love-life wise and in so many other areas of my life I'm lost. When I was in high school I loved a worship song that said "make me, break me for your will." well now I hate that I ever sang that. I have been begging God for a relief of the breaking for about 7 years now. My dad said "you have to have faith that all this is for the best." The problem is that I don't I have faith that there is any plan at all sometimes. I've been trying to think positively and draw the things I want most into my life, but I just feel stuck.
Sometimes I don't even know me anymore.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Me and calendars... or math...
Ok so when I guesstimated yesterday was day 14 I was wrong... it is actually day 26 today! Oh my.
So tomorrow is my interview and I'm super nervous. I should sleep but I doubt that I'll sleep very well because I always do this stupid make myself sick thing. Oh well I'll just spend the evening getting ready for the interview. Today was hectic and everyone in the office was super tense. Last thing last night the two top people were *screaming* at each other... and this morning was a huge mess of closed-door meetings with yelling going on. It would be funny if it weren't so frustrating. The one thing I have to remind myself is I don't want to trade for a job just like this and I don't want to trade for worse for sure!
I did my workout today and feel exhausted! But in a good way.
That's all for now, folks! I'll be talking to you!
So tomorrow is my interview and I'm super nervous. I should sleep but I doubt that I'll sleep very well because I always do this stupid make myself sick thing. Oh well I'll just spend the evening getting ready for the interview. Today was hectic and everyone in the office was super tense. Last thing last night the two top people were *screaming* at each other... and this morning was a huge mess of closed-door meetings with yelling going on. It would be funny if it weren't so frustrating. The one thing I have to remind myself is I don't want to trade for a job just like this and I don't want to trade for worse for sure!
I did my workout today and feel exhausted! But in a good way.
That's all for now, folks! I'll be talking to you!
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Oh wow
It has been so long since my last post. It has been a crazy few days at work! I believe this is day 14 of my 100 day challenge but I"ll recacluate soon. I have the work book but I haven't been doing that every day either. I need to start getting up earlier but I've been having a hard time with that :(.
I received a new workout routine in the mail and it is totally kicking my butt in a good way! It is called Turbo Jam. The leader woman is so energetic so it is a little annoying but the workout is so great that I don't mind that much. They claim you will burn 700 calories in the 45 minute workout, but I am skeptical. The best part is they build in water breaks. With other workouts I'm always trying to drink my water as I workout and end up spilling all over so that is awesome. I still love pilates but I haven't been losing anything!! So I had to switch to something a little more cardio.
In other news I have a job interview this Friday. :D It is a PR-ish position at an organization to help children around the world get an education. In some ways I still feel guilty for leaving but in others I'm sooo ready. Mostly I feel bad for my co-workers who will be the ones to really suffer. The rest of work is just too disorganized and the chaos will continue long after I'm gone.
As far as writing goes it is so hard lately. I haven't done hardly anything on my own writing in a long time. I *will* get there. Maybe this job is it... maybe it isn't. I won't know probably ever. I'll just take a leap if they seem nice.
I received a new workout routine in the mail and it is totally kicking my butt in a good way! It is called Turbo Jam. The leader woman is so energetic so it is a little annoying but the workout is so great that I don't mind that much. They claim you will burn 700 calories in the 45 minute workout, but I am skeptical. The best part is they build in water breaks. With other workouts I'm always trying to drink my water as I workout and end up spilling all over so that is awesome. I still love pilates but I haven't been losing anything!! So I had to switch to something a little more cardio.
In other news I have a job interview this Friday. :D It is a PR-ish position at an organization to help children around the world get an education. In some ways I still feel guilty for leaving but in others I'm sooo ready. Mostly I feel bad for my co-workers who will be the ones to really suffer. The rest of work is just too disorganized and the chaos will continue long after I'm gone.
As far as writing goes it is so hard lately. I haven't done hardly anything on my own writing in a long time. I *will* get there. Maybe this job is it... maybe it isn't. I won't know probably ever. I'll just take a leap if they seem nice.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Down Day
Today I'm feeling sort of frustrated because I not only got some e-mails that I would need a correction in one of my stories, but I just feel blah physically. I'm at my friends house for the weekend and I think I'll have a great time, I'm just sort of frustrated too.
I feel sometimes as if the right job will never come along. I hate feeling like I'm not good at what I do.
I feel sometimes as if the right job will never come along. I hate feeling like I'm not good at what I do.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
All in a name (part 2)
I suppose I didn't really explain very much *why* the book "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter" meant a lot to me in my last "name" post. I think it was so freeing to think that women could be equal to man. I know it seems like an archaic realization, but I think most people don't even realize how our society puts women down still.
As a high schooler who was starting a prayer group, I was told by a church authority figure that if a boy stepped forward and wanted to lead the group, I should step down. (Yes it was in an answer to a question that I asked, but I can't tell you how my heart dropped . . . the thought process all led up to "a girl isn't good enough.") As a fledgling reporter multiple people told me that I was too timid, too girly, my voice was too high, etc. One person even suggested I take voice lessons to lower my voice. ("President Bush -- the first one -- did and it gained him a lot of respect," they said.) I grew to despise all things that made me more feminine, dresses, skirts, even the color pink.
I'm not saying I had a hard life, because I didn't. And as far as I know I haven't been discriminated against because I am female. These are just examples of small critiques that people made over the course of a decade which left me feeling secondary.
Many of my friends won't agree, but I also don't really believe that a woman should have to submit to her husband. I once heard a Sunday school teacher explain that a marriage is like a partnership and there will be times where the two just absolutely can't agree on something so *someone* has to make the decision, so in her opinion it should be the man by default. But honestly, how many times is there an issue so huge that an agreement couldn't be reached? Isn't that the essence of compromise? I'm probably too idealistic since I've never been married, but shouldn't each partner respect each other enough to reasonably listen to the other's opinion?
I don't know... I'll probably laugh at myself after I'm married someday, but to me it seems reasonable that there aren't many cases when compromise couldn't be reached. We shall see.
As a high schooler who was starting a prayer group, I was told by a church authority figure that if a boy stepped forward and wanted to lead the group, I should step down. (Yes it was in an answer to a question that I asked, but I can't tell you how my heart dropped . . . the thought process all led up to "a girl isn't good enough.") As a fledgling reporter multiple people told me that I was too timid, too girly, my voice was too high, etc. One person even suggested I take voice lessons to lower my voice. ("President Bush -- the first one -- did and it gained him a lot of respect," they said.) I grew to despise all things that made me more feminine, dresses, skirts, even the color pink.
I'm not saying I had a hard life, because I didn't. And as far as I know I haven't been discriminated against because I am female. These are just examples of small critiques that people made over the course of a decade which left me feeling secondary.
Many of my friends won't agree, but I also don't really believe that a woman should have to submit to her husband. I once heard a Sunday school teacher explain that a marriage is like a partnership and there will be times where the two just absolutely can't agree on something so *someone* has to make the decision, so in her opinion it should be the man by default. But honestly, how many times is there an issue so huge that an agreement couldn't be reached? Isn't that the essence of compromise? I'm probably too idealistic since I've never been married, but shouldn't each partner respect each other enough to reasonably listen to the other's opinion?
I don't know... I'll probably laugh at myself after I'm married someday, but to me it seems reasonable that there aren't many cases when compromise couldn't be reached. We shall see.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Lucky Number 7
Today is day 7 and I was soooo bad today. Hopefully I can get back on course. I already ate a healthy supper but I just need to stay more consistent. I am also thinking about either joining a gym or getting some new workout stuff because I need some inspiration for the exercise part of the challenge. My roommate will start paying me rent this month so hopefully I can afford to do some more things like that. We'll see. My finances are working out pretty well... even though my job sucks it will be hard to leave this financial situation. I have a great apartment and a roommate to make it cheap. And likely whatever job I find will be a slight pay cut at least at first. So that makes it tough to leave. Oh well... I hope the right thing comes along so that I won't doubt myself!! That is my biggest issue often is doubting what I want!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Actionable faith
So, I've been contemplating faith and God lately. One thing that has always bothered me are those people who always talk this big game about God and their faith and all they can do is condemn people. I have always been more hesitant about sharing my faith out loud, but have always been all about living things out. I have always felt strongly all this "faith stuff" is more about living love rather than trying to convince the world to think just like I do. So anyway.
I found this Web site that articulates that so well. It is called Off The Map. One interesting thing is that they "bought" an atheist on ebay and asked him to go to different churches for a year and talk about his impressions of the churches. It was really interesting what he thought of the churches and how they presented themselves and how bizarre some of the customs that people (like me) that grew up in churches just accept. It doesn't always make sense to someone who has never been in a church before.
If nothing else in my life I hope that I live LOVE. I hope people enjoy being around me. I hope I radiate positive energy and make people feel peace. I hope myself is good enough.
I found this Web site that articulates that so well. It is called Off The Map. One interesting thing is that they "bought" an atheist on ebay and asked him to go to different churches for a year and talk about his impressions of the churches. It was really interesting what he thought of the churches and how they presented themselves and how bizarre some of the customs that people (like me) that grew up in churches just accept. It doesn't always make sense to someone who has never been in a church before.
If nothing else in my life I hope that I live LOVE. I hope people enjoy being around me. I hope I radiate positive energy and make people feel peace. I hope myself is good enough.
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